Episode: August 1 2011

(NOTE: I may not be able to do day-ahead spoiler recaps any more, unless someone knows where I can go to see the Canadian broadcasts. I'll still be snarking out reviews - just after episodes air. Happy reading, this one's a doozy!)

Athletic Club.
Cranky Old Victor ka-bitches about that stupid Diane's false accusations of domestic abuse, as lawyer Mike cautions him against letting any of the surrounding staff poors overhear. Nikki's feeble rehab center calls Victor -- they've accidentally misplaced her, and does she have a favorite chew toy they could use to lure her out of hiding?

"Yes. one shaped just like a huge bottle of gin."

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker and Ashley and Abby, oh my! The three spin their sad little brain-wheels about Diane's "Abby confession tape". Ashley vows that, as a totally rich person, word will never get out - no matter what!

"I'll buy usage rights to every word on Earth if I have to!"

Jack's House.
Jack shoots down a sexy and completely smooth and very-so nekkid Diane. Wilted barbs are slightly exchanged. Diane storms sort of out. Jack's miffed.  Moving right on.

Always sad to see a dude cock-block himself.

Crimson Lights.
Probably mortified at having half their staff walk in on them fucking at the office, Phyllis and Nick the dick are working from the coffee house. Phyllis is angrily ranting that she's totally cool and casual about Nick sleeping with Diane. Nick finds the story Diane leaked to the tabloids on his Crackberry. He vows revenge on Diane. Victoria storms in and then out, past Billy. Divorced Phyllis gives Billy relationship advice and he asks her why she isn't home taking care of the baby she stole from him.

Diane's Suite.
Diane's cursing the world when Nick calls. He wants to meet with her.

Oh, and Diane? It's BYOBB. Bring Your Own Body Bag.

Plywood Forest.
Adam's on the bridge throwing rocks in the water and cursing the world. Hey, these two kids have something in common - bitter self-entitlement! He's wishing that Diane gets killed.

Crimson Lights.
Phyllis tells Billy she's an awesome mother to the kid that she cruelly ripped out of Billy's arms and heart, and how dare he insinuate that she's an awful person! Diane meets Nick, who launches into a tirade about how Diane should just shut up and take whatever random abuse the Newman family feels like entertaining themselves with dishing out. Strangely she's not on board with that. Oh, remember Phyllis, whose legs have spent so much time apart she can't remember how to close them anymore? Phyllis, who fucked her ex-husband in front of the staff of Restless Style? You know, that Phyllis? Yeah, she calls Diane a whore. The Royal Academy of Hypocrites drops by to offer Phyllis a lifetime achievement award, which she gracelessly accepts.

Tucker's "pad".
Fucked-brain Tucker, crazy-brained Ashley, and hare-brained Abby try to come up with a plan to deal with the Abby confession tape. It does not go well. Tucker wants to claim it was faked, just like the "moon landing". Ashley steps out for air while Tucker grumbles that Diane basically needs to be shot dead twice.

"It's a conspiracy, man! Everyone knows Neil Armstrong
was really played by Walter Matthau!"

Athletic Club.
Victoria joins Michael and Victor, frantic about her missing mother. The Newmans rant about Diane while Mike tries to calm them the fuck down. Adam strolls in just in time to overhear Victor loudly threaten Diane. That'll turn Adam's frown upside-down! Victoria "jokingly" orders a gallon of rum at the bar, just in time for Billy to walk in and witness. Lots of awkward moments between the two, thanks show! Victoria leaves and Jack joins Billy. Adam and Victor exchange snark.

Crimson Lights.
Phyllis threatens to call the cops on Diane, who threatens to call social services on Phyllis. It would be great if they ended up cellmates! Good times all around!

Athletic Club.
Divorced Jack loudly threatens Diane so everyone can hear, then gives Billy relationship advice.

"And if she's totally naked? Dude, do not have sex with her!"

Victoria's House.
Abby stops by and they bitch about Diane, agreeing she must be stopped. They're gonna have to draw straws in Genoa City to decide who gets to murder the unhappy hooker.

Athletic Club.
Tucker stops by to tell Victor what a fucking mess he's made by not disposing of that video properly. If Victor can't handle Diane, Tucker guesses he'll have to. Only his fucked-up brain keeps calling her 'Cap'n Crunch', so, problem.

"Mark my words, Victor: shmipple flapple schmorf. Got that?"

Crimson Lights.
Ah, Diane. Half the town's sharpening their pitchforks and here you are in an ugly dress. Seriously, that thing is more hurtful than all of your lawsuits, lies and blackmailing combined. She's meeting a peeved Ashley. They call each other disgusting and Diane tells Ashley she fucked Tucker and Ashley slaps her and there's your third star in the rating. WHACK!

Athletic Club.
Jack's tracked Kyle down on the phone but Kyle freaks and hangs up on him. Jack growls Diane's name. He might as well prance about with "IMMA GONNA KILL DIANE" tattooed on his face. At the bar, Victor and Michael see Diane walk in. Michael takes her aside and tactfully tells her to fuck off. He'll even give her money to do it. She hears the word "money" and is suddenly agreeable. Whore. Adam and Victor spar. Mike leaves Diane and Adam corners her. He wants to resume the plan to frame Victor for Diane's murder - tonight. She, dummy, agrees. Nice knowin' ya, Diane! Oh, and update your will. Mike tells Victor he's taking care of Diane. Jack's still trying to track down Kyle. Abby tells Victoria she seems "weird" which, hello? Understatement? Victor just randomly shoves Billy.

"Because I haven't knocked somebody innocent down in almost three days!"

Diane's Suite.
Diane's putting the finishing touches on her statement recanting the testimony against Adam. She texts everyone who hates her to meet her at the bridge in Plywood Forest. Good move, Diane. she leaves and the camera lingers on her room number.

The number of people lined up to kill Diane.

Crimson Lights.
Ashley's on her seventh cup of coffee when Tucker tracks her down. Suddenly they both get a text - I wonder who from? - and lie about having to do this or that and part ways. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when writers craft stories that make us heave...

Restless Style.
Phyllis beats the shit out of a computer and says "I am not wound up" twelve times. Then she and Nick get Diane's text, lie about doing this or that, and head out. Won't they kind of figure out something's weird when they leave from the same place, in the same direction, to the same destination, at the same time? Will they wave to each other from separate cars? Or just pretend they don't notice each other?

Athletic Club.
Jack holds Billy back while Mike holds back Victor. Billy takes a drunken swing and misses so completely he almost punches himself. The cops show up - aw, party's over. Then everyone's PDAs bleep all at once and they make excuses and leave at the same time and none of these idiots notices. Christ.

Plywood Forest.
Diane waits patiently on the bridge for the lynch mob she summoned to arrive simultaneously and beat the shit out of her. Are you sure you thought this one through, sugar? The money from Adam's appeared in her account so she calls Kyle and leaves him the message that she'll be joining him soon. She'll be mailed to him, specifically, inside a cremation urn. Cash on delivery!

Room 541.
Diane's suite? Why the fuck are we here? It's empty. The lights are off. We cross-fade from pillows with words like ROTTEN DOG and CRAZY on it to -

Tucker's "pad".
- Ashley entering the "pad". Crazy needs a shower. Tucker looks goggle-eyed as we cross-fade to -

Room 541.
- two pillows reading HUNK and BITCH -

Restless Style.
- where Nick and Phyllis greet each other by fucking. Oh, I get it, the pillows are like the people! How truly odd. Tucker's a DOG, Ashley's CRAZY, Nick is a HUNK and Phyllis is BITCH. Now we get to see -

Room 541.
- a pillow reading GREED IS GOOD -

Jail Visiting Room.
- and a miserable-looking Jack arrives to bail Billy out. Next fortune cookie pillow, please:

Room 541.
- GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUNDS and WHY YES, I'M EVIL -

Athletic Club.
Abby sidles up to the bar next to Adam and starts pounding shots. Fade to -

Room 541.
- IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING and PRINCESS SLEEPS HERE -

Crimson Lights.
Victor and Victoria run into each other and chit chat briefly, neither looking particularly innocent. Our final pillow message is -

Room 541.
- THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME -

Plywood Forest.
- a slow, creepy pan past plastic shrubs to the bridge, and down into the water, where Diane's dead body floats face down in the drink. Dun dun DUN!!!

Episode: July 29 2011

GAC Bar.
Adam fills the hole where his soul is supposed to be with expensive liquor when Michael - picking up an order - joins him to let him know shit's just gonna get worse and worse for Adam. Would be great if you had someone in your corner right about now, eh, you death-faking gas-lighter? Now it's nobody but your dear friends, Jim Beam and Bud Weiser. Drink up, you three!

Adam's one-man pity party.

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria take turns seeing who's dumbest. Why does this always come out a tie? They don't know.

Diane's Suite.
Even though the plan to frame Victor for Diane's (faked) death fell apart, Diane's still working hard to give Victor every reason to snap her neck. He smashes the video of Abby confessing, but Diane's got copies. He starts to menace her and she screams like a siren. As confused as the rest of us, Victor leaves and calls Ashley's voicemail to warn her about Diane's threat to Abby. There's a maid service cart nearby - did Diane scream bloody murder so one of the cleaning poors would overhear ... and maybe testify about at a later date?

Jack's House.
Jack's voicemailing Katherine about how he set Tucker up to look like an idiot on The Talk. Doesn't just appearing on that show make you look like an idiot?

Tucker's Hearing.
Katherine's here to rip apart her son Tucker's reputation - on the record and for a sitting judge, no less. She's got the maternal instincts of brick. She shows everyone the papers Tucker signed earlier with his fucked-up brain, papers which he thought were a bill for Indian food and a signed picture of Woody Allen in a grass skirt. The judge is impressed by how generous Tucker's imaginary tip for his imaginary waiter was; nonetheless, his honor rules Tucker's brain is, indeed, fucked.

Newman Boardroom.
Disheveled Adam shambles in on Victoria and Abby, looking for Victor so he can use his seat on the board to make everyone's life sad. Victor's not there and the gals aren't really helpful. Adam leaves a message for Victor, but Victor arrives with a message of his own: Adam's seat on the board has been converted into a toilet, down which both his credibility and his right to be on the board have been flushed.

Diane's Suite.
She's fondling the memory card with Abby's confession on it when there's a knock on the door. She slips the card between her boobs and answers to find the police there. She's called them to say that Victor threatened to pop her head off her neck like a champagne cork. She has a photo of Victor and Nikki fucking and she should be thrown in jail just for not burning it immediately.

Tucker's Hearing.
Tucker begs the judge to reconsider but, no, Tucker, that's not how things work. Tucker hates Katherine, Katherine hates Tucker, Ashley hates Katherine, and Katherine hates Ashley. So at least they're thorough. Katherine calls Jack to tell him the good news about her fucking her son's life up.

Diane's Suite.
Someone's got a sick sense of humor, because they show an extended close up of the Nikki/Victor fuck photo. Thank God it's upside down and hard to make out their ancient wrinkled bodies intertwined, but still. Bullet barely dodged. Anyway, Diane's alone now, on the phone to some gossip website. She wants to sell them a story...

I turned it right side up so you could make it out better. You're welcome.

Newman Boardroom.
Adam's fucked because he's embarrassed the company, says Victor, the guy who has embarrassed the company a dozen times before breakfast. Victor offers to have security throw Adam's ass out until the cops show up to arrest Victor for domestic abuse. Who's embarrassing the company, Grandpa Smugness?

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's pissed about losing his case and Ashley comforts him. Blah blah bullies broke his favorite bike blah blah moving on.

Jack's House.
Katherine lies that she took no pleasure ruining Tucker. C'mon, ya old hag. She's not done destroying his life: she wants his marriage to Ashley annulled due to Tucker's fucked up brain. Ashley's brother Jack's not quite on board with that madness.

"Let me get back to you on that..."

Jail Meeting Room.
Michael's fending off the accusations against Victor. Then Victor opens his mustached meat flaps and gives the cops more reason to suspect him. Did you throw a camera at Diane? They ask. Nope, just hurled it violently into a fireplace, thus establishing myself as an impulsive hothead, Victor smugly replies. Good move, Pops.

Diane's Suite.
Another knock at the door, another person to rip into Diane. Ho hum. Oh look! It's Victoria this time! Hi Victoria! It's her first time to the Chamber of Horrors, let's make her feel at home. She's pissed about Diane suing Nikki for humping Victor when Diane was still married to him.

Jack's House.
Katherine still wants to destroy a loving relationship because, cunt. Jack's more ambivalent.

Cunty Cunterson.

Jail Meeting Room.
Michael and Victor are left alone to suss out the details. Victor tells Michael about the damning Abby confession tape Diane has. Victor says he's never met anyone who was so interested in cold, hard cash. All that power and money, and he doesn't own a single mirror? He vows revenge.

Diane's Suite.
Hot mess Victoria storms in to bitch at Diane. Diane points out that Victoria's mother is a big fat whore. Victoria vows revenge. Diane vows revenge against Victoria's revenge. It's like politics in the Middle East writ very, very small.

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley and Tucker cuddle on the couch blah blah Abby busts in with news about Diane.

Adam's Suite.
Adam tells lovely failure lawyer Leslie that Diane's a big fat liar and a poopy head.

Tucker's "pad".
From peace to war in a nanosecond. Ashley storms around cursing Diane's name. Thanks for stopping by, Blabby!

Only known photo of Blabby with her mouth shut.

Crimson Lights.
Marriage killer Katherine is on the phone finding out how to ruin Tucker's nuptial bliss. Cunt.

Jail Meeting Room.
Victor can't believe this. Just because he's a violent, cheating egomaniac, why on Earth would the police think he would be capable of spouse abuse? Madness!

Jack's House.
Diane arrives sans Kyle. Jack wants to know where his son is. Diane tells him she sent Kyle away to boarding school. Jack demands she return Kyle to Genoa City and she says oh, but there's so many strings attached...

Adam's Suite.
Leslie advises Adam to close down his hedge fund. That would be taking the high road, though, and Adam's never been there before and doesn't know where to find it. Leslie leaves Adam to vow revenge against Diane's vow of revenge against him when he was vowing revenge against Sharon. Or something. I need a fucking "vow of revenge" flow chart. Anyway, Adam's already left.

Genoa Athletic Club.
Fresh-out-of-jail-on-bail Victor goes to confront Diane, but is held back by Michael. Victor calls Ashley about the confession tape Diane has. Drama!

Crimson Lights.
Victoria sees a laptop with this on it:

There's that picture again!

Jack's House.
Diane wants money and support from Jack. He thinks she's a loon. She proves him right by strippin' nekkid. A figure rustles/furiously masturbates in the bushes outside...

Episode: July 28 2011

Backstage at "The Talk".
Apparently this is a real-life shitty talk show that knocks off "The View", only with a whole other set of cackling harpies sitting around blabbering. Katherine calls Jack and Lauren from Genoa City to tell them her son Tucker claims his brain is un-fucked up enough for him to take his company back from Katherine. She plans to put him to the test, which I hope involves both of them in a combination boxing match/wet T-shirt competition. Cross your fingers, you lucky viewers!

"Woo woooo!!! All aboard the pain train!"

Tucker's "pad".
A smartly pant-suited Ashley plots with Tucker and Sofia to take back McCall Unlimited from that mean old hag Katherine. He's planning to go on-camera to publicly prove to the world his brain isn't secretly fucked up, which it secretly totally is. He couldn't handle himself in a little chat with Jack, and he thinks he can swing a national announcement with ease? Oh brother. This is the part where the captain of the Titanic said, "What harm could a little ice in the water do?" Nearer My God To Thee, Tucker.

"The Talk".
Show time. Some black chick and that one actress from the King of Queens introduce Lauren and Jack, who get a fucking standing ovation. Is this like one of those Oprah audiences on this show? Will they standing O some wharf worker paper-wrapping a carp? Anyway, the black chick immediately starts in on Jack about Abby's new Chief Executive Attention Whore position with the competition at Newman Enterprises. Jack and Lauren deflect attention back to Jabot.

WE FUCKING LOVE CARP-WRAPPING!

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria high-five over hijacking Jack's interview. They sued their father Victor to get independence from him, and now they both work for him and are a-scared of what he'll do when he finds out and what the fuck?

Diane's Suite.
Diane's practically licking her lips as she feeds the incriminating video of Abby into her laptop. She actually cackles ominously. She orders up a mimosa to celebrate.

Adam's Suite.
Victor arrives to deliver a grand jury report, about the day Newman went public and Adam scammed Victor for a ton of cash. Adam leafs through it, calling it a "joke". Victor tells him to enjoy the hilarity of being indicted and walks out.

"The Talk".
Lauren prattles about lip plumper-gloss and the chick from King of Queens might be drunk. I'm keeping an eye on her. The black chick is doing all the heavy lifting with the questions and King of Queens is going "Uhhh..." and accusing Jack's sister of trying to run down Tucker. Another moment to squirm for Jack and Lauren. The harpies go on and on about Ashley and Tucker.

Tucker's "pad".
Speaking of which, Tucker's getting ready for his live broadcast close-up/fuck-up. Outside, Katherine pauses before knocking to have a flashback of a fight with Tucker. Inside, it turns out the Asian cameraman is totally hot. I'm distracted.  Katherine comes in and noses around and demands to know what's going on in a home that isn't even hers.

...and who ordered Sum Hung Yung Gai..?

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria blah blah advertising. Victor arrives to lay down the law with the dimwits.

Adam's Suite.
Adam reads the grand jury report - and gets to the part where Diane turned state's evidence against him. Ha ha! Reap as ye sow, crematorium thief!

Diane's Suite.
Mmmm ... mimosa. Diane's plans to fuck everyone over ever actually seems to be picking up speed. Who woulda thunk the unhappy hooker had something in her besides billionaire cock? Then there's a pounding on the door. She stashes the video behind a pillow and answers to find a furious Adam demanding answers. He's. Going. To. Kill. You. Stupid.

Tucker's "pad".
Hot Asian Camerguy counts down to the live feed.

"The Talk".
Surprise, Jack and Lauren! The black chick and the drunk chick ambush them with Tucker's live feed. He's slick and savvy and outmaneuvers the harpy hosts and Katherine as well - until Jack throws him for a loop by making him use the fucked up part of his brain that has trouble with facts and plans.

Fucked-up Tucker is fucked up.

There's, like, a thirty second pause here so if you watch this episode feel free to make yourself a Hot Pocket or something. Unless you enjoy awkward moments - in which case, pull up a chair and stare. Tucker claims the sattelite feed went out and he missed the question, running out the clock on the interview until it's over. Katherine takes note of his fucked-upedness.

Newman Boardroom.
Victor thinks the girls' plan is actually pretty good.

Diane's Suite.
Diane lets Adam in. Bye Diane! Adam's pissed only he was indicted in the stock scam. He thinks she sold him out, she denies it, he cuts her off at the bank account. The plan to frame Victor for her murder collapses.

Newman Boardroom.
Blah blah family blah. Victoria gets a call from her mom Nikki, who tells her Diane has -

Backstage at "The Talk".
- and we cut to Jack bitching about Tucker's blindsiding him and Lauren. Jack suspects Tucker's brain isn't firing on all cylinders.

Tucker's "pad".
Hot Asian Camerguy's name is Kai and we'll never see him again. Our consolation prize, the wrinkled Katherine, has got a pile of reports to trip up Tucker with and Ashley and Sofia try to run interference, but Katherine's a bitch and insists.

Private Jet.
Jack and Lauren pat each other on the back. Jack worries about Tucker firing him.

Tucker's "pad".
Katherine blah blahs statistics at Tucker, who thinks he's in an Indian restaurant and orders appetizers. She hands him a contract to sign which he does, being careful to leave her a generous tip. She might be suspicious.

Suspicious.

Diane's Suite.
Diane follows Adam out, desperately trying to get her whore-hooks back into his bank account by admitting to her deal with the DA. Adam marches her back behind closed doors, where it will be much easier to murder her if it strikes his fancy. They bicker, he decides not to kill her right there and leaves. Diane's ulcer acts up.

Newman Boardroom.
Ha! Diane is suing Nikki for alienation of affection for fucking Victor while Diane was married to him. Good move, Diane. The Newmans are in chaos.

Private Jet.
Jack and Lauren are getting drunk and talking business. Blah blah blah.

Mediation Meeting.
Tucker concludes his argument to the judge about how his brain is not fucked up. Katherine strolls in.

Adam's Suite.
Is crawling with investigators from the SEC. Life's really shitting down your throat, eh, evidence destroyer?

Newman Boardroom.
Victoria's trying to talk her alcoholic mother off a ledge. It's only on the first floor but Nikki's a little tipsy.

Diane's Suite.
Knock knock! It's Victor and his Arthritic Fists Of Fury to confront Diane about the lawsuit. She shows him the video of Abby's confession and tries to blackmail him. He smashes the camera - but Diane's got copies...

Episode: July 27 2011

Victoria's House.
Seriously, show, you've got to start opening with scenes that are interesting. I'm lucky I wasn't operating heavy machinery during this scene, which consisted of Victoria watching television. That's right, I watched someone watch television on television. Riveting. Anyway, Abby's on the boob(s) tube, totally wrecking Victoria's stupid scheme to have the Naked Heiress be Beauty of Nature's spokes-slut.

Idiot.

Crimson Lights.
Batshit insane Genevieve enjoys watching Abby's self-destruction over a nice warm cup of something.

Gloworm.
Diane's on the phone with Kyle making sure he's still alive. He is. Moving along. She joins sexy fail lawyer Leslie at a table to talk about suing Victor Newman for being an asshole or something and Jack interrupts, wondering where the hell Kyle is.

Sharon's Cell.
I was about to say Sharon might as well move in to the visiting room, because I don't think she's been in an actual cell since she arrived. But here she is and Victor's joined her to help her and - whoops! Just a daydream. Fuck you, show. But you know who does visit? Good ol' bumpkin Sam. Yee haw good buddy!

Adam's Suite.
Adam finishes a giant cup of 100% crazy juice, just to get himself ready to face Victor at the door. It's like discovering a pile of scrotums in an Armani suit on your stoop. Victor's here to make Adam pay for what he did to Sharon. Actually, you old fuck, you are the one who framed her for murder. Not Adam. Christ.

Sharon's Cell.
Sam's not too thrilled to find out Adam actually did have the evidence. I'm feelin' a little fisticuffs in Adam's future...

Yep. Fight's a-brewin'.

Adam's Suite.
But not from Grandpa here, demanding the evidence from a playing-stupid Adam.

Gloworm.
Jack wants to know where Kyle is and Diane makes up some dumbfuck excuse Jack won't buy. So she turns it into an argument about money. This woman can't lie to save her life. Jack makes the mistake of threatening her in front of witnesses. Well, there's Victor's plausible deniability when Diane turns up dead: Jack could also be the killer. Just ask the drunks from Gloworm!

Newman Conference Room.
Crazy Genevieve strolls in to offer her non-existent services to Victoria and Abby. She pulls out her mafia resume and the two dimwits are like "Oooh!"

OMG You are so right! I am awesome!

Gloworm.
Jack still wants to know where his son is. Diane is still dodging. Jack demands she get Kyle on the phone now.

Sharon's Cell.
Sam vows to help Sharon out of this pickle. This vet's got a soft spot for dumb critters of all shapes and sizes!

Adam's Suite.
Back and forth blah blah. Victor's intent on crushing Adam's nuts in his cold withered hands.

Gloworm.
Diane balks at calling Kyle and Jack cranks up the pressure. He's getting physically aggressive in front of witnesses and it's always good to see Jack shoot himself in the foot by giving his sworn enemy, Victor, everything he needs to get away with murder.

Deacon: a witness who hates rich people. Good luck Jack!

Newman Conference Room.
Crazy Genevieve throws some stupid marketing ideas at the two idiots and they are so fucking floored by her genius!

Sharon's Cell.
Sam's back from a phone call to the uncooperative DA. Country doc's a little worked up that evil strolls the earth as Adam.

Adam's Suite.
Adam's leaving threats on Diane's voice mail. Excellent way to make friends, baby-napper!

Gloworm.
Diane and bartender Deacon dish over Jack's tantrum. He advises her to stay away from powerful men and, how can she get herself killed if she does that? She's clearly on a self-destructive life mission. She vows to him that she's gonna wreck all of their asses soon. Deacon's intrigued.

Plywood Forest.
Jack bumps into Genevieve and buys her a lemonade. There's romance brewing between the two. No, wait, those are urine samples. My bad!

Crimson Lights.
Victor's meeting with Avery, a pretty New York lawyer he's trying to hire to get Sharon out of jail. She's on the fence about taking on the case.

Adam's Suite.
It's fisticuffs time! A righteously angry Sam arrives to kick the ever-loving shit out of Adam. Wheee! Good times!

Wheee!

Gloworm.
Deacon's plying all sorts of dirt out of drunken Diane about her plans to ruin Genoa City's elite. He's game if she wants his help - and she does. Turns out Deacon's got Abby's confession about almost killing Tucker on video ...

Newman Conference Room.
Crazy Genevieve is gone, leaving frick and frack alone to celebrate Abby's success as an Attention Whore. Um, congratulations..?

Plywood Forest.
Jack and Genevieve sittin' in a tree, T-A-L-K-I-N-G. You're doing it wrong, kids.

"Are we kissing? Is this kissing?"

Adam's Suite.
Sam storms out, leaving a bloodied Adam shouting taunts at him. What a girl.

Plywood Forest.
Jack and Genevieve part ways with plans for a dinner date when Jack gets back from his business trip. He calls his assistant to find out more about Abby's TV appearance.

Newman Conference Room.
The idiot sisters bond.

Gloworm.
Deacon shows Diane the damning video of Victor's daughter Abby confessing. She buys it off him for a measly hundred bucks. I'm beginning to understand why Deacon's just a poor bartender.

Sharon's Cell.
Sam's back. Sharon notices the Adam's-face-shaped bruises on his knuckles. Victor strolls in with Avery, whose taking the case.

Adam's Suite.
Man-bitch Adam takes a mysterious call from a mysterious person asking for money for something mysterious. He's all mysterious about it.

Episode: July 26 2011

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
People who aren't complete idiots are here and so is Sharon. One of the many things Sharon does slowly is realize Adam's a fucking psychopath who set her up with his wedding proposal just to crush her by turning her down during the vows. Ever wonder how you made Sam feel, Sharon? Wait - you didn't? Well, nonetheless - a tasty little life lesson for ya. Bon apetit!

Why do all life lessons leave a bitter aftertaste?

Victoria's House.
Michael Baldwin is here as Victoria lets in Abby. Victoria offers Abby a job at Newman, and Abby can't fucking believe someone would even suggest that she work like one of the poors or something. The job title is "Attention Whore", though, so suddenly Abby's eyes light up as much as totally soulless eyes do these days. Anyway, Michael face-palms.

I call my next brilliant idea "the square wheel".

Crimson Lights.
Kevin's actually working behind the counter as he and Chloe talk date night plans. Blah blah Billy blah blah Delia supervised visits blah moving on.

Plywood Forest.
Billy strolls the bridge phoning in bad bets to his bookie and generally brooding. Delia suddenly appears and he hugs her and is this an alcohol-withdrawal delusion? Is he actually hugging a fire hydrant or something?

Oh, my sweet, cold, metallic baby!

Restless Style.
Anyway. Nick and Phyllis continue to humpity on the conference table as poor Diane stands afar, unable to peel her horrified gaze from this conjugal tragedy. Finally, she storms in and fucking hurls Phyllis to the floor, apparently to please every single viewer out there who has wanted to see Phyllis hurled into one thing or another over the years. Good job show, I feel better already. Nick breaks up the cat fight. What a dick he is.

Floorward ho!

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Sharon says she still doesn't understand, boosting her chances to win a daytime Emmy in the category of "Outstanding Performance by a Moron". Adam uses small, loud words to explain that he's precision-pain dumping her.

Victoria's House.
Eager to once again make a public fool of herself, Abby waves off Michael's sound and wise objections, and schemes with Victoria to convince Victor to go along with their plan. Tell him that many innocent lives will be completely ruined if he agrees. He'll jump at the chance!

Plywood Forest.
Billy's still with hydrant/Delia, we're not sure which it is yet. Okay, I think it's really Delia because he's freely cradling her in his arms, which is tough to do with a hydrant. She toddled away from the party Chloe left her at, which, what blind person is chaperoning that little shindig?

Crimson Lights.
Oh, her name is Vanessa. I feel sorry for the stupid. Kevin Chloe blah blah phone rings the blind Vanessa calls Chloe to tell her she's misplaced Chloe's ill-begotten yet adorable offspring. Ooops! I bet Billy will be blamed for kidnapping her in just a second, folks. Let's cut back to the cat fight in the meantime, shall we? Agreed.

Restless Style.
Phyllis is spoiling to go all Planet of the Apes on Diane but like I said, Nick's a dick, so no fun. Diane lets it drop that Nick fucked her and demands he tell Phyllis about it. So he does, but looks a little nauseous. Out of nowhere Phyllis declares herself the winner of everything, ever. Diane says I hate you to Nick, Phyllis, and the potted plant before storming out. Yes, that was an actual scene deemed fit for all the airwaves.

WINNING!

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Adam pretty much admits he destroyed Sharon's exonerating evidence, and Sharon unloads on him with extreme prejudice. He's a fraud, a freak, a weak, a liar, a monster. Adam doesn't seem to care terribly much.

Victoria's House.
Michael objects to using Abby for anything other than a doorstop, a marital aid, or a wooden post with a him-sized penis hole in it. He's called away, leaving the two psycho girls to decide how to redefine 'harebrained'.

Plywood Forest.
Chloe and Kevin find Delia with Billy. Kevin takes Delia back to the party, so Chloe can - yep, accuse him of kidnapping. Billy sputters a non-defense that not even I believe and I saw frikkin' him do exactly what he says he did, like, two minutes ago.

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Adam leaves Sharon to rot.

Plywood Forest.
Chloe and Billy blah bicker blah. Victoria and Abby just happen to run into Chloe and Billy on the same bridge where Billy just happened to run into his tiny wandering daughter.Victoria and Abby urge Chloe to keep her yap shut. Blah.

Restless Style.
I'm bored. Phyllis isn't thrown bodily to the floor as she yammers to Michael on the phone that Diane smacked her around, and Michael totally hates her. For not being thrown to the floor, which I totally agree with. A lot of hate in this show.

Gloworm.
A feisty Diane doesn't throw Nick bodily to the floor as he asks "What in the fuck?"
Adam sleazes in, drink already in hand, secretly perving on the conversation. Both hands in view at all times, Adam. And keep 'em above the waist. Your waist...

Plywood Forest.
Oh for the love of fuck.

Gloworm.
Adam moves in as Nick demands an answer from Diane. She refuses to tell him why she wants to say goodbye (HINT: She's going away! Wow, you scion of private education!).  Adam basks - BASKS! - in Nick's angst. Approaches dumb Diane. Tells her that if everything goes as planned, she'll never have to worry about Nick again. He's going to murder you, Diane. Just FYI.

Plywood Forest.
Blah blah Billy's a gambling drunkard blah Victoria blah Delia.

Crimson Lights.
Abby meets that bitch reporter and brags about her possibly going pro with her Attention Whoring.

Gloworm.
Adam runs down the plan to frame Victor while Diane listens impatiently. Diane tries to leave when Michael walks in but, busted. She's all "sociable" and joins him for a drink. He lays a restraining order on her courtesy Phyllis. Diane insists she's calm.

Calm.

Restless Style.
Phyllis blah blah pissed Nick blah blah flirt.

Crimson Lights.
Abby plots with the reporter to totally humiliate herself in public. Kevin and Chloe put Delia to sleep in some shitty booth and blah blah Billy.

Plywood Forest.
Blah blah Billy's heartless blah blah Victoria doesn't get it.

Restless Style.
Phyllis blah blah no kissing Nick blah Diane.

Gloworm.
Diane restraining order blah Adam rejoins her when Mike leaves.

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Sharon weeps over her plight when who should arrive with a kind hand on her shoulder? The guy who framed her in the first place, ol' Victor Newman! She hugs him so, WTF.

Episode: July 25 2011

Diane's Suite.
Jack's so confused because he loves his son and doesn't know his ex-not-wife is about to ship the boy - postage and karma due - to Europe. Kyle's off for some involuntary adventures in Switzerland specifically, and the little lad doesn't even speak Switzerly!

"Wait, where am I going..?"

Restless Style.
Phyllis and Nick gloat over the pain they're causing Sharon. I think they're both even sexually aroused by it. Then Sam a-saunters in asking about whether they believe if Adam is a-sittin' on evidence that could help Sharon.

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam dangles Sharon's gumball machine engagement ring from a fishing pole right in front of her face and all Jiggles can manage to muster is, "Ooooh! We's must haaasssss the preciousssss..."  Adam waves it slowly, slowly, back and forth, back and forth, mesmerizing Sharon with its such shiny shininess. She forgets that she's even in prison because, pretty!

One idiot, to rule them all.

Gloworm.
Neil meets with Katherine, who's bitching about Sophia. Sophia shows up to counter-bitch about Katherine undermining her every move at McCall Unlimited. Viewers are then treated to the textbook definition of an "awkward pause".

Let the Awkward Pause Game begin!

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley's still pressing Tucker to spill the beans about his long-lost son. Tucker claims not to know anything about the kid, but given his fucked up brain he might think he's talking about any number of things. The brain-damaged are not the most reliable source of information, Ashley. You should know that, because you are not the most reliable source of information.

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sharon tells Adam about the DA's deal offer, which was the exact worst move she could make. So, par for the course. Adam tells her to take the deal - is it remorse over destroying the memory card, or does he have something else up his sleeve? Every single person has told Sharon to take the fucking deal, including the guy it will screw over. Of course, she now has no idea what to do. That poor hamster running around that wheel in her head must be exhausted from powering her brain for this long!

Shh...if you listen really closely,
you can hear the squeak of the hamster wheel in there.

Diane's Suite.
Jack invites Kyle for a super-cool night of BBQ ribs and movies. Diane digs her claws into Kyle's shoulders and he turns his father down. When Kyle leaves, Jack tells Diane he hates her guts and she's like, ditto. Jack hits the road.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker reveals he has no idea who the mother of his kid is. What, did you fuck her through a hole in a sheet or something? Did you hump her blindfolded during a midnight power outage? I can't imagine any explanation that doesn't drip with sleaze. But Ashley's gonna stand by her man. Her disgusting, scummy man.

Gloworm.
Ha! Katherine lost the Awkward Pause game and has left the table. Sophia can't believe what the wrinkled old harridan's been doing to Tucker's company, which is basically to take a chainsaw to random parts of it and see what happens. Neil tells her to deal with it. Katherine returns to the table, refreshed from taking a poop or something. She tries to pull the wool over Sophia's eyes about not really meaning to fuck up Sophia's career and how it was all just a silly little accident, and Sophia excuses herself to go outside and key Katherine's car.

Restless Style.
Sam says he knows Nick and Phyllis make their living tearing apart the woman he loves whose name he occasionally forgets and they're like, "Yep! That's exactly what we do!" Sam gets an earful about how truly twisted Adam is.

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam's still proposing to jailbird Sharon. Blah blah roll up your sleeves and go get that memory card if you really love her, asshole. Oh, and then Sharon agrees to marry him. The other exact wrong thing to do. And she says she won't turn state's evidence against him either, so, trifecta of wrong. Adam leaves, and Sharon calls her only ally, Sam, to please come see her so she can crush his soul to a fine pulp.

Adam's Suite.
Nick and Phyllis break in to steal shit from Adam. You know, committing a ton of crimes to prove Adam is guilty of ... committing a ton of crimes. They flirt, too, and isn't getting aroused by criminal acts sort of a symptom of being psychopathic or sociopathic or something like that?

"Let's rob a soup kitchen next."

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sam's arrived for his nut-crushing. Sharon delivers. Aren't ya glad you took her in, Sam? Thought so.

Tucker's "pad".
Now Tucker's thinking he's a shitty parent like his mother Katherine, which, yes. Yes you are. Of course you are. Worse even, because at least she could pick your father out of a fucking line up. Sophia barges in and crankily demands to know when Tucker plans to toss Katherine out the airlock already. So he's an awful son, too.

Gloworm.
Jack and Katherine sit scheming to take advantage of Tucker's fucked up brain. So, awful mother and brother-in-law too. They make the Addams' Family look like the Brady Bunch. Oh, and Katherine refers to those gnarled claws dangling from her wrists as "hands" and I laughed and laughed.

Diane's Suite.
Operation Destroy Kyle's Innocence proceeds apace. She's on the phone with Adam, angry that her son had to lie to his father. Adam does not give a shit.

Tucker's "pad".
Sophia's trying to explain a chart to Tucker and I'm pretty sure he thinks he's at a Mets-Cubs game. He levels with Sophia: his brain's all fucked up, he can't grasp complex math, and if pitcher Jeff Samardzija doesn't get his head in the game then maybe Jim Hendry should pull him before the bottom of the seventh.

Aw geez, did Castillo really drop that popup? Christ...

Restless Style.
Fresh from committing a litany of crimes and misdemeanors, Nick and Phyllis return to the office to blah blah Adam.

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sam has no fucking idea why Sharon would want to marry Adam. Adam eavesdrops from outside as Sam professes his own love for Sharon. Sam bumps into Adam outside the visiting room and Adam rubs salt in the wound Sharon just created. They do make a good team, don't they?

Airport Waiting Area.
Diane's coaching her offspring on how to lie to everyone he meets and pretend to be someone he isn't and I guess it's Bad Parenting Day but they forgot to put it on my calendar. Kyle goes to board his flight. This was actually a well-played scene! I'd forgotten what those looked like.

Restless Style.
Nick and Phyllis fuck.

Crimson Lights.
Sam sits daydreaming about that time he fucked Sharon. Then he starts writing a letter to her. Or maybe it's to Penthouse? Either way: Small words, Sam. Small words.

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam arrives with a rose and a Chaplain. The wedding begins.

Gloworm.
Neil and Katherine blah blah tax offsets blah blah Tucker's holding something back about his recovery. Katherine vows to protect Tucker even if it means totally taking him down at the knees. Which, what?

Tucker's "pad".
Sophia's vowing loyalty to Tucker. The lines are drawn: two middle-aged dudes and a feeble octogenarian versus two crazy bitches and a guy with a bruised brain. This should be interesting, in the 'rubber-necking a car accident' sense of the word.

Restless Style.
Nick and Phyllis fuck. Diane walks in, sees them, and twitches. Yeah, makes us sick too, Diane. Garbage pail's over there.

I made the same face when I saw it.

Crimson Lights.
Sam's on the phone with Piper. He's coming home. Bye, Sharon's last chance!

Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam blah blah vows Sharon blah blah vows, Sharon says her "I do" and Adam says "Actually? Fuck this shit.". SNAP!

Episode: July 22 2011

Victoria's House.
She's carrying a delivered package labelled FRAGILE so it must contain her grasp on reality. She realizes suddenly that it's Billy's birthday, and debates whether or not giving him a broken heart was enough of a gift? Or should she get him some shattered dreams of a future with her, too? Decisions, decisions...

Why yes. Yes, you are exactly that.

Hospital.
Billy on the phone taking a happy b'day call from his sister Traci. He's all woe-is-me because he's alone on his birthday, until Ashley and Jack show up to give him a ride home. The nurse couldn't be happier to get rid of him.

Jail Visiting Room.
Sam with Sharon. Sam's got a bad feeling about Adam, because Sam's sane and observant. Sharon refuses to believe Adam would destroy evidence that could help her, because she's not sane and observant. He realizes she's dumb as a frozen stump and advises her to just trust him. She looks at him like he's describing nuclear fission to her.

Adam's Suite.
Diane's bragging to Adam about how she succeeded in transferring rights to her one and only son to a mind-fucking monstrosity. "Now all we have to do is kill you," Adam says to her, and again, he doesn't say the words 'pretend to' anywhere in there, which I think Diane should pay special attention to. So of course she doesn't.

Open your eyes, girl.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's trying to figure out business papers with his fucked up brain, which ain't hap'nin'. Doesn't help that parts of the papers are in actual Japanese. But he may not even know that.

"Mipple...smarple...smiple for. Makes perfect sense."

Hospital.
The nurse can't wait to wheel Billy's ass out of there. Jack and Ashley are throwing Billy a birthday party at Tucker's and it would be totally hilarious to make Tucker try to read all the birthday cards out loud. Slappy plorfdway, Boiley!

Victoria's House.
You wouldn't fucking believe me if I described what Victoria pulls out of the fragile box with mere words, so I'll just show it to you. Ahem:

I think it's best if I just leave it at that.

Jail Visiting Room.
Sharon totally incorrectly says that Sam doesn't have to worry about Adam. Sam tries to hammer some common sense into her and she's all just "la la la Adam's the coolest". Sharon doesn't deserve to be in prison for a crime she didn't commit, but are we all really safe when someone that dumb is allowed to wander free? It's quite the conundrum. Sam vows to find out about this evidence thing.

Adam's Suite.
Adam gives Diane all the shady paperwork needed to spirit Kyle out of the country secretly. Where the fuck does he get all this fake ID from? He must have stacks of it somewhere. They trade jabs about how the other one's an asshole and, yep. Both right.

Tucker's "pad".
Festively decorated for Billy's party with nothing. Tucker lets Billy and Jack in. Tucker lies that he's 100% fine and gets to work getting Billy drunk.

Victoria's House.
Ashley's dropped by to tell Victoria that Billy wasn't DUI in his accident. Victoria shows Ashley the painting and Ashley looks at it and goes, "Huh". Victoria wants to know what to do with it and Ashley suggests wiping her ass with it, setting it on fire and tossing the charred remains off the top of Chancellor Industries. Victoria decides to send a hand-scrawled note over to Billy's party with Ashley instead.

Jail Visiting Room.
Sexy fail-lawyer Leslie visits Sharon to let her know she's being shipped to the pen tonight. The DA is willing to strike a deal with Sharon, though...

Adam's Suite.
These two idiots are trying to book a flight to Europe for Kyle. Sam stops by to confront smug Adam about the memory card. Sam has abso-fucking-lutely no problem throwing down, and that good ol' country boy's got Adam slammed up against the door before Adam knows it's coming. Go get 'im, you hick!

"Tell you what, boy. I'll let you choose
which of your teeth I knock out."

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley's there and Tucker's getting her plastered, too. It's a wild party that consists of somberly sitting around talking about earning reports. Jack's like, "Double check my calculations" and Tucker's like, "WTF am I holding? Is this a duck?"

"Hey everyone! This party's theme is 'paperwork'!"

Adam's Suite.
The boys scuffle a bit, then get to the name-calling. Sam's convinced Adam's fucking Sharon over, and Adam denies it of course. Sam apologizes to Diane for being so rude in front of a purty lady before taking his leave.

Jail Visiting Room.
The DA will let Sharon stay in county lock up instead of the state penitentiary, if Sharon hands Adam to him on a silver platter. He's pissed that Adam's slipped through his fingers so many times. If Sharon admits Adam helped her escape she gets cushy treatment in the local jail while she appeals the ruling against her. Leslie's like, wake the fuck up bitch. Take the offer. Sharon is confused by this in particular and everything in general.

Tucker's "pad".
The birthday boy sits unnoticed and nodding off in the corner while the other three talk shop. They remember Billy exists and give him a teeny tiny present with his father's ugly granite bitch-slap ring in it. He's touched. Ashley gives Billy the note from Victoria. It's a totally emotionless greeting you would give to a co-worker whose name you don't quite remember. Billy's less touched.

Victoria's House.
Her son Reed has come to visit. He sticks the knife in by showing her a picture of her ex-husband's happy new baby, then twists it by asking why Billy doesn't live here anymore. He's got Newman blood in 'im, by Jove!

Jail Visiting Room.
Sam's returned. He thinks Adam's guilty of destroying the memory card. Sharon's starting to doubt Adam, and just two years too late! She tells him about the DA's deal. He tells her to take it. Adam stops by and blah blah but he still loves her and hopes she still loves him. Now the little hamster running around in the wheel in Sharon's head has no idea which way to go!

Diane's Suite.
Kyle enters, telling Diane what a swell day he had playing with his friends that he never ever wants to leave! So Diane tells him he's got to leave today and he's crushed and angry and refuses to go. He makes a good point about Diane sucking as a mother and as a human being. Wait 'til he finds out she's signed him over to Victor Newman. Hee!

"You sold me to WHO?!"

Victoria's House.
Victoria tries to explain why Billy's not there and maudlin blah.

Tucker's "pad".
Billy decides to flee this dead zone, followed by Jack. Tucker has no idea he was reading paperwork ten minutes ago, which means he's even worse than I thought he was. Ashley massages his shoulders, then asks him why he's never mentioned that he has a son. Drama!

Diane's Suite.
Kyle sulks but Diane's shipping his ass to Switzerland regardless. He loathes her with the burning heat of a thousand suns. There's a knock at the door - it's Jack, the wrench in Diane's plans. Hi Jack!

Crimson Lights.
Sam's on the phone, lying to little Piper back home that Sharon's just peachy keen.

Jail Visiting Room.
A real shot at freedom plus putting a known sociopath behind bars? Or rotting at the violent state pen and letting that same sociopath go free instead? This is Sharon's choice to make and she's fucking having trouble making it. A bus stops by the jailhouse every hour on the hour, Sharon, just toss Adam under it and be done with his ass. But, no, he's working her like Yo Yo Ma on the cello. She wants to break it off with him and he's nine kinds of guilt tripping her. And then? He fucking proposes to her. In jail. Romantic! Guard, a round of toilet champagne for everyone!

With this ring, I thee frame for murder.

Victoria's House.
Outside, Billy's about to knock but then decides to peep through the window like a creepy stalker pervert. He watches Victoria having a ball playing with her son and for no reason gets pissed at her and storms off.