New blog up and running

Dear readers:

The Young and the Restless recap blog has moved to http://ynrrecaps.wordpress.com. I tried to upload a screenshot of it to entice you over, but Blogger sucks huevos so badly that, after ten minutes of trying, I was still unable to get it to upload to their servers.

Thus, the move to Wordpress.

Feel free to join everybody over there.

http://ynrrecaps.wordpress.com.

Thanks!

Hi folks!

No, I haven't given up on mocking Y&R for your weekday entertainment. It's just that Blogger sucks donkey balls and I'm moving everything over to another host.

I'll be up and running this week and will keep you all updated. In the meantime, I saw the Jack/Genevieve kiss and as a result have needed to scrub my eyes with coarse scouring powder on an hourly basis. So if you'll excuse me...

Episode: August 22 2011





DANIEL'S DUMP.
Daniel's scribbling out some useless soulless "art" or other stupid ass shit, when Lily drops by to yammer endlessly about some God-damned thing or another. How's that for a recap?

GCAC DINING ROOM.
Nick demands Deacon tell him what's going on with Deacon and Phyllis and also, Deacon's blood type and bank card PIN number. Because Nick's entitled to that information, you see. What a dick. Deacon's clearly been working on his 'scoffing' techniques, because he pulls out a beautiful one right there.

GLOWORM.
Gloria, yay! She's explaining how she whores out Deacon's ass for drink tips, when Phyllis starts asking questions about Deacon's time card for the day Diane Jenkins was murdered. She's all but sure Deacon was the murderer. Borderline slander is fun!

VICTORIA'S HOUSE.
Sam's stopped by to rent a room from Victoria. Where's he been sleeping until now, anyway? Underneath parked cars? Victoria's confused in general and by this in particular, until Sam tells her Victor went ahead and offered Sam part of her property without even asking her first.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Adam, whose hair looks like a relief map of the Andes today, clickity-clacks on his laptop until stupid Noah has to come over and be all, "Whaaa! You fucked my mommy over!" Grow a set, Noah, and shove a fresh pot of piping hot coffee down his throat already.

PRISON VISITING ROOM.
Scatter-brained lawyer Avery manages to stumble her way into the right room. She notices Sharon's in a not-miserable mood. Eagle eye!

NEWMAN RANCH.
Victor flashes back to when he discovered Diane's floaty corpse in the Plywood River. Then, the cops arrive to toss Victor's ranch looking for clues. Victor tells them they're idiots, which besides being true will also piss them off. Hey Victor - cops have been known to "find" incriminating evidence by planting it in the first place, you idiot.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Silly Noah still thinks words will get results from Adam. Adam twists things around until he's the hero and Noah's the bad guy. Adam strolls calmly away. How'd all them words work out for you, Noah? COFFEE POT.

PRISON VISITING ROOM.
Stupid-assed Sharon still wants the only friend she has in the world, Sam, to take a hike. Avery rolls her eyes.

VICTORIA'S HOUSE.
Sam's been staying at a MO-tel, so at least he hasn't been sacking out under Buicks all this time.

NEWMAN RANCH.
Victor keeps berating Ronan and company, and right now, a little police brutality seems twistedly fitting. Just once across his floppy jowls, Ronan. I'll never tell. They're looking for a pair of Flouncy Valenti shoes, which left clear imprints at the crime scene and which Victor just happened to have bought a pair of recently. Ronan picks his nose.

How not to dig for clues.

DANIEL'S DUMP.
Blah blah Cane blah blah frigid blah blah Lily's a big mess.

GLOWORM.
Gloria calls Phyllis on her slanderous bullshit. Phyllis pretty much just says out loud that she's trying to destroy Deacon's reputation, so he can't testify that he totally saw Phyllis' ass chasing Diane through Plywood Forest, carrying a rock no less, on the night of the murder, wherein Diane was bludgeoned to death with a rock

GCAC DINING ROOM.
Deacon calls Nick on being a huge dick.

NEWMAN RANCH.
Victor threatens to have Ronan fired. Ronan calmly shows him a photo, taken hours before the murder, of Victor wearing the incriminating shoes. This show has wasted a perfectly good opportunity for a spit take.

DANIEL'S DUMP.
Blah blah Daniel fucked up blah blah then they make out.

SMACKsnorpslorpSLURP...

VICTORIA'S HOUSE.
Victoria's not sure if she wants to rent dead, gun-wielding, brain-tumored, loony Brit Jenna's former kidnapping crazycakes apartment to Sam. What could go wrong, with such a lovely back-story?

PRISON VISITING ROOM.
Avery's totally got something close to being the start of the seed of something vaguely resembling a plan to save Sharon, maybe. She leaves - then Adam arrives.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Noah complains to Nick about Adam. Nick tells his son things are just easier if he stops  giving a shit about his mom. Great parenting. What a dick.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis, hard at work trashing Deacon in an article when who should walk in but smug Deacon himself? The best timing in the world for some of these people.

DANIEL'S DUMP.
Daniel and Lily hump. Daytime TV softcore porn FTW!

RESTLESS STYLE.
Deacon knows about Phyllis trying to grab his time clock punch card. He makes it clear he knows she was there at the crime scene the night of Diane's murder, and that he knows she and Nick are lying about being together all night that night.

NEWMAN RANCH.
Victor claims the photo was faked, just like the moon landing. The police come up empty-handed on the shoes, but when Ronan asks where Victor was the night of the murder Victoria suddenly appears out of thin air to vouch for daddy dearest. Where the fuck did she come from? Ronan smarms a chuckle. Victor says the non-word "substansuate".
"How DARE you blingsinuate I make up words!"

RESTLESS STYLE.
Deacon taunts Phyllis, which considering she's such a cunt is fun to watch. Deacon plants the seeds of doubt in Phyllis' mind about where Nick was the night of Diane's murder.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Noah blah blah forgive Sharon blah blah. Noah steps away to take a call from Devon, leaving Nick to space out and flash back to getting crank calls of his own voice threatening Diane.

PRISON VISITING ROOM.
Adam and Sharon have it out until Sam arrives. Sharon rolls her eyes that such a nice guy could give a shit about her.

DANIEL'S DUMP.
Daniel and Lily blah blah pillow talk.

GLOWORM.
Gloria tries to milk Ronan for information on the murder trial, but his cop udders won't squirt. How's that for a euphemism? Hah? Pulitzer, baby! Right here! Speaking of udders, Ronan spots giant-boobed Heather grab a table. He decides to annoy her by existing in her general vicinity. 

PRISON VISITING ROOM.
Seeing Sam, Adam snarks a bit then leaves.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Deacon tells Phyllis they have a dinner date and walks out. Phyllis can't run her slam piece on Deacon without risking Nick's alibi in the process.

NEWMAN RANCH.
Victoria blah blah alibi. Well, that's a weak way to end an episode, even for this show.

Episode: August 16 2011




GCPD STATION.
Paul introduces Ronan to the 21st century by transferring the information from the Big Board O' Clues to something called a "computer". They look over the weird message pillows from Diane's suite and consider just forgetting about Diane's murder and having a nap instead. Stupid Abby walks in just as they get their couch cushion fort put together. She wants to know why they haven't arrested Tucker considering all of the totally baseless accusations she's made. Ronan suggests they put a wire tap on Abby so they can take a bunch of the stupid shit she says and make ringtones out of it.

It does look sort of cozy...

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker stops by to deliver Ashley's mail. She's off to Diane's funeral, almost forgetting to take the whoopie cushion she plans to put on Kyle's seat just for laffs n' giggles. Tucker keeps trying to make up with Ashley and she keeps shooting him down, so, fun times!

GLOWORM.
Mike and Victor bitching about being fucking rich. Then Mike gets Victor's permission to roll over, fetch, and go to Diane's funeral.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle wonders if anybody is going to show up to his mom's funeral and Jack doesn't even lie and say, "Yeah! Totally!"

CHURCH.
Lauren puts Diane's massively airbrushed photo on top of her white casket. Adam walks in, hoping to pay his respects, and loot the coffin, before everyone else arrives. Lauren suggests Adam think of somebody besides himself and if this show had a laugh track, this is where it would go nuts.

Well, it started out as a photo of Diane...

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Victoria and Nick, with a combined worth of over a billion dollars, complain about how hard life is and stuff. Victoria is going to Diane's funeral just to make sure the bitch is still dead.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Deacon shows up to taunt Phyllis. Turns out he saw Phyllis the night of the murder, chasing Diane with a rock in her hand. Phyllis says they were just playing a really hardcore version of "Red Light, Green Light", but Deacon doesn't buy it because he's not brain dead.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Nick gives Victoria his new phone number and she leaves, passing her responsibility for going to Diane's funeral off to Nick. His phone rings and, yep, his stalker's got his new number and is leaving recordings of him threatening Diane.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis accuses Deacon of trying to blackmail her. He tells her he basically wants to fuck her and he'll call her to make plans.

GCPD STATION.
Abby refuses to wear a wire because it doesn't match her slutty shoes. On her way out, she overhears Ronan and Paul planning to go to Diane's funeral. They also find out that the wildlife camera near Diane's murder scene went missing.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker blah blah Ashley blah blah space blah. Tucker leaves. Ashley's mail has an envelope containing a still from the wildlife camera of Ashley getting ready to beat the shit out of Diane. Or it might be Sasquatch playing with an Etch-A-Sketch, because it's a totally fucking blurry black-and-white photo.

Or maybe it's a sonogram..?

JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle wonders if he's supposed to do a toast or a seminar or some sort of speech. Hasn't this kid even seen a funeral on TV? Jack tells Kyle he can still talk to his mom, just like Jack still talks to fucking hallucinations of his dead dad. Not the best time to let the kid know he might be in line for hereditary insanity, Jack. Kyle tells Jack he was the one who hid Jack's class ring.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Ha ha! Ashley's totally mentally fragile on the best of days and now she's freaking out! Soon she and Tucker will have matching fucked-up brains. Something to look forward to. Tucker returns to escort Ashley to Diane's funeral. PANIC! She joins Tucker and off they go to see Diane's dead body.

CHURCH.
Michael enters. Ronan and Paul come in, Ronan asking to speak to Mike aside. Ronan doesn't intend to disturb people by having three uniformed policemen frisk each of the mourners.

Victor and Nick arrive. Victor taunts Adam because it's a day that ends in a "Y".

Tucker and Ashley and Abby arrive. Ashley tells Nick about the photo and he asks if she was topless in it. Ronan, not wanting to disturb people, disturbs Nick and Ashley by telling them he knows Nick called her, the night of the murder, from the park. Tucker confronts Abby about her trying to sic the cops on him, and what a whore she is that nobody can believe, and oh yeah, also that she tried to kill him and there's video proof of it.

Adam tells Victor he was the one who orchestrated Diane's signing Kyle over to Victor. Speaking of Diane, not one of these mourners has even acknowledged her casket or uttered a single word of sadness or sympathy. Assholes.

Assholes.

Kyle and Jack arrive and the games begin. Kyle sits and everybody ignores the whoopie cushion farting sound but Ashley, who spends most of the rest of the service giggling loudly. Blah blah priest comfort blah sermon. Jack says a few words, but not few enough. He says Diane was gorgeous and Victor wakes up in a puddle of his own pee. Mike says a few words too, blah blah. Victor can't be upstaged so then he babbles on at the podium a bit. Blah blah priest Bible blah it's over.

Assholes.

Not wanting to disturb people, Ronan disturbs Kyle and Jack by separating them right there in the church. The priest takes Kyle outside and Ronan takes the podium and tells them to sit the fuck down. He's got proof they're a bunch of fucking liars and reminds them that none of them are even remotely reliable human beings. Thanks for the uplifting words, Ronan! Abby, who made a name for herself riding naked on horseback around town, calls Ronan 'inappropriate'. Grandstanding show-off Victor calls Ronan a grandstanding show-off.

Later, Kyle says a private goodbye to Diane's airbrushed picture, which is basically just two eyes and a pair of lips floating inside a fuzzy face-shape. Victor one-ups Jack with a nice photo of Diane. Victor and Jack bicker about custody of Kyle.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis asks Nick what's the deal with him and Ashley. Nick lies blah blah.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker saw how anxious Ashley was after talking to Nick. Ashley lies blah blah. Tucker goes to "use the head", which ewww, leaving Ashley to voice-message Nick and Tucker to overhear.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Is this episode over yet? Victoria and Abby fret over Ronan. Abby wonders if Victoria turned against her? Let the fracturing begin!

CHURCH.
Officially sick of this set. Adam demands the letter from Diane, clearing Adam's name, be turned over to the courts. Ronan says only if Adam explains the money he transferred to Diane's bank account. Adam huffs out. Paul and Ronan gloat that they've rattled Adam's cage.

Episode: August 15 2011






CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Ace customer service skills on display, Kevin angrily snaps at Mike and Lauren about his break-up with Chloe. Mike notes the daily paper's running great big photos of Diane's waterlogged corpse. Breakfast's on me!

Easy, queasy...



JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle, once a nice little boy until his mom's murder turned him to the Dark Side, is now eager to stare at those pictures of her dead body. Ewww. Jack's not so keen on that, but Kyle threatens to look them up on the internet at this porn site he knows, and double eww. So Jack shows him the pictures and then Kyle gets so into it he wants to see the actual dead body. Triple ewww. And hey! The park where momster was brutally murdered? Right across the street! Kyle suggests packing a light lunch.

Maybe you should just let Victor have him, Jack.


GLOWORM.
Mistress of Mope, Nina, enters to find Ronan trying to figure out who murdered Diane Jenkins. He's such a selfish bastard! So she distracts him with lots of waterworks, delaying the capture of a homicidal maniac. Thanks weepy Nina!

TUCKER'S "pad".
Tucker's trying to read some business plan, but his fucked up brain makes him think its a 14th century Dutch guide to tulip planting. Katherine parks her broom outside and pushes her way into the "pad". She tells him how much Ashley totally hates his guts and wasn't going to stop Katherine from ruining his life.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Abby's glad to see her mom's moved out of the "pad". As usual, Ashley apologizes for things she didn't do, then tells Abby that she's not exactly leaving Tucker. Abby's jaw hits the floor, but that's only because she thought she saw a penis for a second.

It's a reflex.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Katherine's planting all sorts of seeds of doubt in Tucker's mind, which is hardly fertile ground. Ashley has ulterior motives, Tucker couldn't spell his own name if he wanted to, blah blah. Then she mounts her broom and cackles off into the sky, leaving a burning bag of poo for Tucker to remember her by.

PLYWOOD FOREST.
Jack shows Kyle where Diane was bludgeoned to death near the bridge. Kyle's got all sorts of gruesome questions, like how long did it take to kill his mom? Ya got some sort of timetable you're planning out, kid? Jack lies and tells Kyle his skank lying blackmailing momma went to heaven. No she didn't, Kyle. No she didn't.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Paul runs into Nina while waiting for Katherine. Blah blah they're breaking up. Now they're not. Blah.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren assumes Kevin was the loser who got dumped instead of vice versa, which doesn't help the homicidal rodent-head-wearing barista's mood any. Lauren offers to beat the shit out of Chloe.

Those pipe-cleaner arms are freakishly strong.

Jack brings Kyle in to get the kid all hopped up on caffeine. Jack's on the horn with the GCPD, who took all of Kyle's shit from Diane's suite and won't give it back because they're fucking assholes. Kyle asks Michael why everybody hated his mom. Awk-warrrrrd!

GCPD STATION.
Ronan wants to know how the press got the crime scene photos. Everyone looks at him slack-jawed. Abby walks in to finger somebody, and also to blame someone for Diane's murder.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley returns and Tucker wants to know why she'd side with Katherine.

GLOWORM.
Neil thinks Katherine's a dope with her plan to steal Jabot from Tucker.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren and Kevin blah blah relationships. Mike and Kyle blah blah murder.

GCPD STATION.
Abby blames Tucker for Diane's murder. Her evidence? Tucker's arm is totally itchy, man! Ronan asks her if she's ever had a complete thought in her life and she stares at him like he's explaining string theory. She lets slip she knows about the poison sumac wrapped around Diane's neck, which Ronan wants to know how the hell she knows that. Abby squeals that Tucker cheated on her mom with Diane. This gets Ronan's attention.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley says she stabbed Tucker in the back to help him. Which is totally logical in Genoa City and batshit insane elsewhere. Blah blah Diane.

GLOWORM.
Katherine wants Neil to sell her bullshit plan to the board of directors. Good luck Neil!

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Paul's on the phone with Ronan, who tells him there's a leak in the office he wants Paul to handle. Paul says he doesn't have to pee-pee right now, and on the other end of the line we hear Ronan slap his forehead.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren and Kevin blah blah relationships. Jack finally has permission to collect Kyle's things from the police. He and the kid head out.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Blah blah relationship on the rocks. Knock knock! Hi, Ronan! It feels like the wheels came off this episode about ten minutes ago, and now its just sliding downhill kicking up a shower of sparks.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Some weird-headed girl flirts with Kevin.

...but she has a great personality.


Mike assumes funeral-coordinating duties so Jack can spend more time fucking up Kyle's life. Very generous of you, Mikey!

GLOWORM.
Neil sells Katherine's bullshit plan to the board of directors. Katherine's excited to be fucking her child over. Jesus creeping Christ.

TUCKER'S "pad".
With Ashley out in the hall, Ronan thinks Tucker's bandaged arm conceals poison sumac. Tucker gives warantless Ronan the boot, then scratches his arm like a motherfucker.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Nina exits, promising to mope a lot more. Phew! Thank God! Paul hits Katherine up for more cash so he can go to Atlantic City, fuck a prostitute, and snort a quarter pound of blow. Whoops! I mean, "continue his investigation into the identity of Tucker's lost son".

GCPD STATION.
The fat dude from Fish and Game, who looks like his porn stash could fill a two-car garage, shows up to report the theft of a wildlife camera.

????
The camera in question, hooked up to a monitor, showing Ashley thrashing the shit out of Diane.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley returns and helps Tucker wrap his arm bandage over the sumac whilst simultaneously shooting him down emotionally. Mixed messages much?

GLOWORM.
Abby flashes back to washing her hands. What was the point of that?

DIANE'S SUITE.
Ronan lets Kyle and Diane in. They look at the embroidered pillows with as much confusion as the rest of us. Ronan asks Kyle if he knows what the fuck the pillows mean and Kyle - who lived in the suite for weeks - says he's never seen them before in his life. Those of you who voted "other" in the poll? I think you're on to something here.

Episode: August 12 2011




CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Abby blocks Chloe's entry to remind Chloe she's a bitch. Chloe looks like she just might like to verbally lacerate the Naked Airhead.

GCPD STATION.
Poison sumac, key, fingernail, class ring; these are some of the things Ronan is trying to learn to spell. Ronan claims logic puzzles drove his dad crazy, but I'm betting he went nuts because Ronan stole some of his internal organs, too. He decides to treat a kop to some coffee.

Sound it out, Ronan...

RESTLESS STYLE.
Nick gets another call playing back his murder threats to Diane from a blocked number. He calls Ashley and says they have to meet. Phyllis overhears because, nosy-ass bitch.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Tucker calls Ashley as he tends to his poison sumac rash. He voice-mails a promise to Ashley, to make things up to her for that time he slick-dicked Diane's toxic va-jay-jay.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Jack's visiting that old bitch, Katherine. She tells him that while she's in control of Tucker's shit, she intends to royally fuck it up. She's selling Jabot from McCall to Chancellor Industries, taking it out from under Tucker's busted up brain. She's about to tell Jack some great big fat secret when the doorbell rings. It is Jack's sister Ashley, telling Katherine she won't get in the way of Katherine's plans to destroy Tucker's marriage to Ashley – if Katherine gives Tucker back his company, including Jabot.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Abby and Chloe blah blah blah about Billy. Tucker calls to summon Abby as Chloe turns around and walks off. You gonna let that lil' blonde slut push you around like that, Chloe? Where's my damned cat fight!? Stupid show. Ronan enters as Abby hissy-fits her way out the door.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Ashley, Jack and Katherine continue to debate Ashley's offer. Katherine's slurring so much her dentures are wobbling around in there. Fixodent!

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Chloe storms back in – someone stole the crap from her car. Douche Ronan to the rescue! Only Chloe despises the air he exhales, so, DRAMA! 

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis nags about Nick's phone call. He lies to her about it. She doubts him, which is a good move in general. She tells him about a creepy guy (Deacon) she met in the woods and Nick offers to go over there and beat the shit out of him. He's hoping it's a homeless person because they're weak from malnutrition and easier to hit. Phyllis politely declines Nick's offer.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Ashley lies that Tucker is not an idiot. She says that Katherine's got awful maternal instincts, which is wrong since it implies that bipedal lizard Katherine actually has maternal instincts. Katherine excuses herself to go unhinge her jaw and shove some live weasels down her throat, leaving Jack to question Ashley's motives.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Abby arrives. Tucker wants to talk about the night Abby found him giving Diane the ol' man meat. Abby appears slightly queasy. No one blames you, dear.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Chloe finishes giving her statement to the kops. She commandeers the shop's phone and calls her friend to let her know some of her shit got stolen, too. She overhears two kops talking about how Ronan told them Chloe's a priority. Huh.

GCPD STATION.
Ronan discovers that Jack also has a Harvard class ring. He doodles a penis on the Big Board O' Clues and giggles like a little girl.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Jack and Ashley talk about parking. PARKING. Fucking parking. Really, show? This is how you reward my loyalty? Ashley refuses to tell Jack anything about Tucker, so he talks about the chores left on his to-do list. Fucking. SHOW.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Tucker admits he was shtupping Diane. Abby flips out.

Daytime. Emmy. WINNER.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Excellent mother Chloe forgets where she misplaced her daughter. Katherine wraps her meat claws around Chloe's arms and offers her tea. Chloe's worried about what kind of a person Delia will grow up to be, if every father figure in her life leaves her. Uh, that's easy. She'll be the “stripper” kind of person.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis knows Nick is lying to her and it's just eating her up. Hee! Fun times. She exits as Nick gets a call. It's the Blocked Phone Number of Taunting. He tosses his phone aside.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Here's Kyle, his soul freshly crushed by news of his mother's head, which is also freshly crushed. Jack asks how he's doing. Not so good. Jack tells him he needs a good laugh, which, yeah Jack, grief counselors agree: when your mom's brutally murdered, take in a puppet show! Ronan arrives to ask Jack about the class ring imprint in Diane's arm. He wants Jack's ring, Jack tells him to fuck off, Ronan whips out a search warrant. Come on, Jack. Not cooperating with an investigation? Bad news.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Ashley left Tucker, and Abby rubs the fact into Tucker's poison sumac. Tucker threatens to go to the GCPD about Abby's confession tape.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley arrives and Nick plays back the taunting voice-mails. Someone's got Ashley's old cell phone – if they turn it over to Ronan, then it's slammer time for both these mooks.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Jack and Kyle hang in the backyard while the kops tear up their shit inside looking for the ring. Inside, the fumble-bum kops aren't able to find it.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Chloe and Katherine cram delicate imported chocolates into their pie holes like dollar store pork rinds. 

JACK'S HOUSE.
Jack wants to know what's taking these idiots so long. They can't find the ring. Jack tells them where it is but they still can't find it. That's because Kyle clipped it and stuffed it in his pocket. Slick move, junior Sith Lord. Your turn to the Dark Side is complete.

And he shall be called “Darth Smiley”.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
On her way storming out, Abby knocks over the bottle of Calamine lotion Tucker's been using to treat his … uh, carpal tunnel syndrome. Yeah, that's it. Carpal tunnel syndrome

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley and Nick can't figure out why someone would want to torment Nick, who is a total dick.

PLYWOOD FOREST.
Oh, looky here! Parks and recreation has arrived to retrieve footage from the wildlife camera for the police. It will probably show Diane being thrown back and forth from one side of the frame to the other, for like, twenty minutes, by every one of the suspects. But whoops! Someone's stolen the camera.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley's a-scared and Nick gives her a consolation hug just as Phyllis returns to see...

Episode: August 11 2011






Adam's Suite.
The buzzards are circling Adam's sorry ass as the cretin realizes the kops must've made off with his Harvard class ring. How's that ivy league education workin' for ya, you pathetic gas-lighting spontaneous-abortion instigator? Yeah, thought so.

Let's see, a bottle of orphan tears, my black magic candles...now, where's my Harvard class ring..?

GCPD Station.
Ronan orders the arrest of Adam Newman. Victor and Michael enter, Victor grouchy because he actually has to cooperate with the police like the peasants do. Ronan's slightly curious why Diane, who hated Victor's guts and charged him with domestic violence, would turn custody of her only child over to Victor in the event of her death. Victor waves his hand in front of Ronan and tells him these are not the droids you're looking for, and Ronan just laughs and laughs and laughs. Victor then starts giving deep insight into the mind of a murderer, which, bad move gramps.

Crimson Lights.
Abby shows Victoria Billy's lame-o email that Abby got. Victoria needs to tell Abby her job at Beauty of Nature's been cut, so instead she goes to get some cookies. Abby continues talking to herself.

Meanwhile, Chloe bitches about Billy and Kevin's sick of hearing about it. Us too, Kevin, you gun-toting loon. Victoria stops by to get a good bitch-fest rolling.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis is pushing a stroller with Lucy in it, marking the first time she's paid attention to the infant since she ruined a dozen lives tearing it from its parents' arms. Don't worry, though, she's not actually paying attention to the baby! That would be silly. She's actually texting, and putting on a show of giving a shit so people will stop saying she's a monstrous bitch. Look out, Phyllis! She rams the carriage into Deacon. Hi Deacon! That could've been a bus you wheeled her under, Phyllis. Just sayin'. Anyway, Deacon's wondering if Phyllis crushed Diane's stupid head in.

GCPD Station.
Ronan thinks Victor killed Diane to get a hold of Kyle. Adam enters to get his class ring back. Victor reveals his wristwatch and says Adam tried to frame him for Diane's murder with it. Adam scoffs at the idea. Victor wants Ronan to lift Adam's prints from the watch. Victor comes from antique-y times, when they didn't know how to cover their fingers with gloves, which is what Adam was wearing the night he tried to frame Victor.

Mr. Smugly S. McSmugenstern, at your service!

Crimson Lights.
Abby twirls her hair vacantly. Androgynous Daniel walks in and congratulates her on her new Beauty of Nature job as Chief Executive Attention Whore. Abby tells Daniel about how Daniel's mom, Phyllis, ruined Billy's life by taking Lucy away from him and Victoria. Daniel's heard it and said it before.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Victoria go a couple rounds, but we've seen it all before. So has Kevin, who's fucking tired of this goddamned shit. Victoria goes to Daniel and Abby, who are sympathetic. Oh, and Daniel loathes his mother. We feel your pain, Daniel.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis and Deacon trade barbs. She asks if he's trying to impress her, and he says, "Not yet." He leaves her to wonder what the fuck that might mean. Daniel arrives to ride his mom's last nerve about her being a home-wrecker to Billy and Victoria.

Crimson Lights.
Blah blah Billy. Victoria tells Abby she's been shit-canned. Deacon strolls in to insult the dimwits, thanking Abby for "baring it all", then walks away. Abby figures out that Deacon must have seen her make her confession. TIME TO FREAK OUT GURL!!

GCPD Station.
Ronan asks about how Victor got the watch and Victor spins some dumbass yarn with more holes in it than a colander. Michael shoos Victor out of there. Adam dares Ronan to arrest him. Ronan rolls his eyes. Adam asks why a dumb non-Ivy Leaguer, who must obviously be jealous of Adam, would steal his class ring. Ronan tells Adam about the ring-shaped imprint in Diane's arm. Adam leaks some smarm onto the floor.

Crimson Lights.
The idiots are trying to figure out how deeply in shit Abby is, with her confession video floating around out there. Deacon saunters by, freaking out the sisters with the sleaze he leaves in his wake.

Chancellor Estate.
Chloe's pissed that Billy sent his daughter Delia a pretty present, which, cunt. Kevin's six kinds of fed up with Chloe's self-absorbed pityfest. Esther arrives with Delia and Chloe blows Kevin off. Enjoy single life, Chloe. Delia goes to swim in the pool and Chloe blah blah blahs Billy to Esther. Esther reminds Chloe that Kevin exists. Chloe hugs Kevin and he grits his teeth.

Planning his exit strategy.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis and Daniel tend to Lucy. Phyllis talks in a really weird raspy voice for no reason, then asks Daniel to watch Lucy while she slips away secretively.

Newman Ranch.
Victor and Abby talk about her getting shit-canned. He wants her to learn some business and she can't believe he wants her to fucking learn or some crazy shit.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis walks her ass right into the crime scene, looking for ... something? Well, she finds Victoria, at least, also looking for ... something?

Newman Ranch.
Victor presses Abby to learn something useful, and she whines. Michael arrives; there might be enough evidence to arrest Adam. Victor's pleased. He calls Diane "arrogant" and somewhere in the world the Irony Police mobilize for action. Mike also has learned that there was poison sumac wrapped around Diane's neck, and that a key (to the safe containing Abby's idiot confession tape) was found in her throat. Abby silently shits her pants.

Fortunately, her shit don't stink.

Plywood Forest.
Deacon arrives to freak out Phyllis and Victoria. Victoria and Phyllis scatter.

GCPD Station.
Ronan tries to psychologically profile Adam and gets it totally fucking wrong. Quantico! The results are in: the ring that made the mark in Diane's arm isn't the same as Adam's ring because Adam's ring is chipped, and the imprint doesn't reflect that.

Chancellor Estate.
Chloe tells Kevin he's basically a castrato who she uses as a crutch. He breaks the fuck up with her. She has the nerve to look hurt.

Newman Ranch.
Victor wants Mike to fucking get Adam arrested already.

Plywood Forest.
Daniel apologizes to his daughter for fucking her life up. Phyllis sends him away rudely. Deacon pops by to tell Phyllis he 'saw what she did'.

Crimson Lights.
Abby tells Victoria the police found the key in Diane's throat. The key is what Victoria was searching for! I get it now. I don't particularly care, but I get it.

GCPD Station.
Adam taunts Ronan and leaves. A random kop tells Ronan that Victoria and Phyllis were both spotted at the crime scene, along with Deacon. The analysis of the key is useless, which, par for the course for GCPD.

Episode: August 10 2011






Jack's House.
Victor's explaining to Jack that Diane signed Kyle over to him, so if Jack would kindly crate the boy or however they transport children these days Victor would appreciate it. Jack tears up the paperwork, but Victor tattoos "Property Victor Newman HANDS OFF" on Kyle's ass which, I understand, is totally legally binding.

Uh, yeah, Jack. That's exactly how you nullify a contract

GCAC Bar.
Ashley's slurpin' some vino and calling Nick about how fragile Victoria is. Nick asks WTF is up with Ashley's phone and we flashback to -

Plywood Forest.
Diane making Ashley feel like shit. Ashley shoving Diane to the ground with her freakishly powerful upper body strength. Boy, those pipe-cleaner arms of hers sure are dangerous!

GCAC Bar.
Well, that didn't explain what happened to her phone, but Ashley says she 'misplaced' it. The same way someone 'misplaced' a rock into Diane's head ten times. Nick doesn't tell Ashley that the 'misplaced' phone contains a recording of him beating the holy shit out of Diane.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker and Katherine lock horns.

GCAC Bar.
Ashley presses Nick for details of the message he left. Flashback to -

Plywood Forest.
- Nick, beating the holy shit out of Diane while his cell phone, lost on the ground, silently transmits every threat to Ashley's voice mail.

At the tone, the time will be ... up, for Nick.
GCAC Bar.
Nick doesn't even pretend to answer and gets off the phone quickly. Ashley leaves a perfectly good Merlot just sitting on the bar and runs out.

Restless Style.
Phyllis and Nick worry over Diane's death, then try to work on the magazine. Nick leaves her to do all the work, the dick.

GCPD Station.
Ronan sends Adam's ring to forensics. Then he stares at Phyllis' broken fake fingernail.

Restless Style.
Phyllis clackity-clacks some libelous story out with her EMERGENCY! manicure. Ring ring! It is Ronan to question her.

Jack's House.
Victor gloats about stealing Jack's son right from under his nose.

And perhaps I will steal your future children directly from your ball sack, hmmm?
Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's totally paranoid. Katherine plays like she's not a viscous harpy. Tucker kicks her ass to the curb.

Plywood Forest.
Oh, dumb crazy Ashley, with your flashlight in the dark woods, don't you know the crooks always return to the scene of the crime? Something off-screen startles her and she gasps. Must be something unspeakably horrible!

Restless Style.
Ronan douches his douchey douche into the office. He wants to know about the broken fingernail found at the crime scene. She snarks at him, he threatens grand jury. He's scarier.

Plywood Forest.
The something off-screen that startled Ashley, making her gasp? Nick Newman. So, yeah, something unspeakably horrible. And dickish. They ask each other why they're here, then stare dumbly. If there were a Mensa meeting, these schmoes would be emptying their trash cans for them.

Restless Style.
Coy Phyllis babbles about fake fingernails. Ronan examines her EMERGENCY! manicure while she sluts around. Then Ronan tells Phyllis he's spoken to the manicurist, who basically describes Phyllis' nails the morning after the murder as being like the filthy claws of a rabid raccoon after a night of brawling stray cats. Phyllis? Not so slutty anymore. She's a lyin' beeyotch and Ronan wants the truth. You're in the spotlight, gurl! Your favorite place! Why you ain't smilin'?

Blow 'im, Phyllis! It's your only hope!

Tucker's "pad".
Look, Katherine, nobody's buying your tepid shit. She accuses Tucker of being in the park the night of Diane's murder and he tells her she's wrong and to fuck off. She leaves, and Tucker finally has a chance to itch the poison ivy he got from being in the park the night of Diane's murder.

Jack's House.
Victor and Jack debate which of them is more likely to have killed Diane. The answer is, both of them. Both of them could easily have smashed her skull in. Assholes.

Restless Style.
Phyllis claims her hands were all nasty because she was doing manual labor, specifically, potting sunflowers with retarded Summer. Ronan doesn't buy it because, Phyllis and manual labor. Ronan leaves Phyllis alone and she calls Nick. Who doesn't answer.

Plywood Forest.
Ashley's looking for her phone. Nick's looking for it, too. Uh, bullshit Nick. They decide much too late that it's a bad idea to stay there at the murder scene and head off for coffee.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker nurses his rash and tries to call Ashley but, voice mail.

He uses the same lotion on his ... other rashes...

Jack's House.
Kyle wanders in and Jack and Victor pretend to be nice people. Victor exits. Kyle wants to know more about his mom's death. Nosy little bastard.

GCAC.
At a table, Michael points out what an asshole Victor is for taking Kyle away from Jack. Victor tells him to shut his pie hole and get him that boy!

Jack's House.
Kyle and Jack blah blah Diane's dead blah.

Crimson Lights.
Nick admits to Ashley he was there the night of Diane's murder. Her cell phone probably recorded the fight he had with Diane. Ashley tells Nick she also confronted Diane and lost her phone in the process. Nosy Phyllis enters.

GCPD Station.
Katherine's talking to Ronan about stealing Chance's liver. He gives nary a crap. Off she hobbles.

Crimson Lights.
Ashley takes off. Phyllis tells Nick about Ronan busting Phyllis on the fingernail. At the coffee bar, Tucker greets Ashley.

Jack's House.
Unreliable Jack tells Kyle he's totally reliable.

GCAC.
Victor presses Michael to help him steal Kyle from Jack.

Crimson Lights.
Ashley cold-shoulders Tucker, but they coordinate their alibis. She leaves Tucker to brood.

GCPD Station.
Ronan and that fucking broken nail.

Get a room!

Crimson Lights.
Nick offers to call the DA and tell him to back off investigating Phyllis, which should totally arouse his suspicions so, great fucking plan Nicky boy! Phyllis reminds him that if her alibi falls apart, so does Nick's. She leaves and he gets a call - it's his voice message from Ashley's phone, talking about killing Diane! Hooray! Someone found Ashley's phone! Phew, that's a load off my mind. Also, someone out there has evidence to totally destroy Nick twice. Another load off my mind! Deacon, sitting at a lonely booth, says these words exactly: "Honey? I saw whatcha did." To nobody. He says it like he needs to come out of the gay-stereotype closet, which, huh.

Jack's House.
Blah blah nothing matters blah blah you're not alone. Kyle runs upstairs. Old Jack wants to follow, but geez, those things look kinda steep...

GCAC.
Michael reluctantly agrees to help Victor steal Kyle. After Mike leaves, Victor  reads a headline in the paper about the GCPD getting closer in their investigation. His flashback -

GCAC.
- has him stream-side, staring down at Diane's floating corpse. Yuck.

Episode: August 9 2011






Victoria's House.
What a fucking snoozer to open the show on. Victor is working Victoria's little chewing-gum brain against the love of her life, stinky drunken gambling baby-trader Billy.

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley's packing up as much of Tucker's shit as she can get away with to hock, when Tucker enters. Tucker can't tell a profit report from a Chinese Take-Out menu and orders fried noodles and a quart of 'Monthly Accrued Compound Interest' from the Jade Palace.

Whoops! Busted! And, busty...
Chancellor Estate.
Wicked old bag Katherine enters with Neil, sipping tea and patting themselves on the back for taking advantage of her son Tucker's grievous injuries for fun and profit. Neil's tie has more maternal instinct than Katherine does. Her top priority, other than kicking some orphans in the head, is to re-gain Jabot.

Prison Visitor Room.
Sam's hanging with Sharon, talking about Diane's brutal murder. Just casual talk, you know.

Adam's Suite.
Adam's escorting the slut he screwed the night of the murder to his suite, when lawyer Avery cock-blocks. Adam hints he knows who she is and she handles it in stride. Inside the suite, Adam asks the slut (Elena) to be his alibi.

GCPD Station.
Ronan stares at the Big Board O' Clues, because it is slightly reflective and he can see himself in it. A kop asks Ronan who he thinks did the dirty deed and he circles Adam's name.

Swiss Boarding School.
Oh boy, here we go. Jack's gotta tell Kyle that his mother's head got inverted with a brick. It does not go well.

Bye, Kyle's sanity!
Adam's Suite.
Adam hurriedly stuffs Elena in a foot locker when Ronan comes a-knockin'.

Chancellor Estate.
Katherine and Neil continue to plot to fuck over Tucker.

Tucker's "pad".
Bicker bicker bicker. Ashley leaves. Tucker calls Katherine a "clown", which explains her make-up.

Victoria's House.
Yawn!

Adam's Suite.
Ronan questions Adam's shitty alibi. Elena and both her massive titties pop up out of the footlocker to vouch for Adam. Ta da!

Ta ta!
Prison Visitor Room.
Chit chat. Seriously, show? How about a conversation about the wallpaper?

Victoria's House.
Snore! Ashley arrives. No word about Billy.

Swiss Boarding School.
Kyle stares out the window, letting his broken soul teach the night something new about darkness.

Victoria's House.
Please light this set on fire so they can't have any more scenes here. Please. There's money involved.

Adam's Suite.
Battle of the smug. Adam tells Elena that Adam's suspect number one in the murder of Diane Jenkins, and Elena's sorta freaked. Ronan sends her away so he and Adam can have a pissing contest without her seeing their tiny dicks.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's busting some lowly worker for trying to steal his private information and sell it. Fired!

Chancellor Estate.
Neil kinda backs up Katherine's attempts to destroy Tucker's marriage. When did Neil turn to the dark side?

Prison Visitor Room.
Avery arrives to talk Sharon's case. The phrase "You're totally fucked" comes up so often Avery should have it tattooed on her forehead.

Adam's Suite.
Adam's got a headache and its name is "Detective Molloy". Ronan's been through Adam's credit card records and calls bullshit on his alibi's timeline. He then pretends not to have a search warrant and then - BAM! Lays it out. Douchebag for justice!

Douchebag for justice.
Someplace.
Victor calls someone about something at some time.

Prison Visitor Room.
Avery's got the Innocence Foundation working on Sharon's case  Sharon learns this foundation is really just a bunch of pimply-faced, undescended-testicled college freshmen whose voices haven't changed yet. She is not heartened.

Victoria's House.
I'm just fucking skipping this scene as a matter of sanity preservation. If anything valuable got said or done here, I'll never know it or give a shit about it. Moving on.

Tucker's "pad".
Katherine's arrived to punch Tucker in the groin. Hi Katherine! She wants to get Tucker to sign some papers he can't even understand. He balks.

Victoria's House.
Blah blah Billy blah blah men suck. Ashley gets an email from Billy - he's fine.

Prison Visitor Room.
Have I ever given a show one star yet? Temptation, temptation...

Adam's Suite.
Adam's stuff is getting tossed by the kops. They find his Harvard class ring. Oh, no! Diane's corpse had an imprint in it that was just this shape!

Jack's House.
Apparently taking the fastest fucking plane on earth, Kyle and Jack arrive. Kyle mopes over his dead mommy. Suck it up, loser! Victor arrives as Kyle goes to his room. Victor just thought he'd mention that he owns Kyle's ass now. Jack DUHWHAAAAA?'s all over the place.



Episode: August 8 2011





Crimson Lights.
Lily and Daniel still exist! I'd forgotten about them. Hey, you crazy smoochin' kids! Lily's says she's over Cane, and in my head I heard 'backed over Cane' and the mental picture made me chuckle. Nice driving, Lily!

Jimmy's Bar.
Oh, there's mind-fucking liar Cane! He looks sad. Here comes Colin, his dad who fucked up his life, to spread some joy. Cane's batshit insane momma, Genevieve, arrives to complete the dysfunctional family portrait.

"Well! If it isn't my beloved, mother-fucking, cock-sucking family!"

GCPD Station.
Useless Paul joins useless Ronan and asks if he can be of any use. Ronan has no idea. Paul decides this is a good time to remind Ronan that he's a douchebag liver-stealer. Ronan does not give a fuck.

Chancellor Estate.
Ronan's mother Nina is still trying to track Chance down, and runs smack into a wall of red tape and excuses. Esther and Jill watch Nina melt down, silently exchanging money on the bet they made earlier about when she'd lose it.

Crimson Lights.
Kevin and Chloe exist, too. Chloe's complaining about how much her daughter misses Billy, the little toddler bitch. Kevin points out that Chloe might have an attitude problem.

Victoria's House.
Victor's stopped by again to shoot down Victoria's dreams after first supporting them. She WTF's all over the living room. Victor tells her about the Abby confession tape still floating around out there. Victoria tells Victor about Genevieve's strange visit to Newman Enterprises.

Jimmy's Bar.
Cane's unstable mom and dad intended to get can't-handle-the-stairs drunk. Everyone insults everyone else. Feels like family on Thanksgiving! Colin still has his squinty little rat's eyes on Jill.

Chancellor Estate.
Jill bitches about Cane, and Billy, and those stupid plastic shrink-wrap packages you can't open.

Crimson Lights.
Lily and Daniel keep talking about what a dick Cane is. She decides to file for divorce. Lily should have done that ages ago, but, idiot.

Idiot.

Chloe apologizes to Kevin. Christ, she's high maintenance. They realize they have no chemistry whatsoever and decide to ignore the fact and stay together. Good job.

Jimmy's Bar.
If words were fists this would be a ten-round bloodbath. All jabs. Genevieve leaves.

Victoria's House.
Blah blah Abby's a dumb fuck blah blah Genevieve's just trouble blah Victoria tries Billy again blah.

GCPD Station.
Nina arrives to take back the liver Ronan stole from Chance, even if she has to rip it out with her goddamn bare hands.

Crimson Lights.
Esther tells Chloe about Chance's disappearance.

GCPD Station.
Nina's got tons of really legitimate questions for Ronan, who is a total douche about everything.

Douche.
Crimson Lights.
Lily and Daniel talk the logistics of divorce. They seem surprisingly stupid on the subject, considering they divorced each other and thus have some experience in the area. Lily heads out to tell Cane she's
dumpstering him.

Victoria's House.
Genevieve pops in unannounced to give her condolences about Diane's death. Boy, is she out of the loop. Victoria's as sad about Diane's death as she is about poor people suffering.

Crimson Lights.
Esther tells Chloe about Chance's disappearance. Daniel and Kevin gossip like housewives under the hairdryers.

Jimmy's Bar.
Colin wants to be closer to Cane, who wants to wrap Colin around a stop sign until he snaps like kindling. Colin leaves and Lily enters to tell Cane she's divorcing him.

Victoria's House.
Genevieve's gone, or has mutated into a copy of Jill, who asks where Billy is. Victoria has no clue in general, and no clue where Billy is specifically.

Athletic Club.
Victor's pretending that a punching bag is the middle class. Punch harder, Victor! Genevieve enters.

Specially-made bag, stuffed with ashes of peasants.
GCPD Station.
Paul tries to coax tiger-mom Nina out of the room but she's locked her sights on Ronan. Ronan wisely ducks out.

Athletic Club.
Genevieve introduces herself to Victor. She'd like to work over the punching bag herself so Victor teaches her how to beat on the help when they're late to work. I think they're flirting, but they're past a certain age, so I'd rather pretend they just both got gas at the same time.

Athletic Club Dining Room.
Colin's arrived to get his lush on. He spots Jill looking all sad.

Jimmy's Bar.
Cane gives Lily a hard time about the divorce. She wavers because, idiot.

Idiot.
Crimson Lights.
Lily arrives to tell Daniel about what went down with Cane. Daniel talks common sense and Lily ignores it because, idiot.

IDIOT.

Jimmy's Bar.
Cane looks lovingly at a picture of his kids, who he helped his father nearly kidnap.

GCPD Station.
Blah blah Ronan.

Crimson Lights.
Blah blah Kevin, Esther leaves. Ronan enters and says hi to Chloe. Kevin interrupts to kick Ronan the hell out of his shitty coffee shop.

Athletic Club Dining Room.
Colin consoles Jill, who is actually receptive to the kidnapping crime lord because, idiot. Genevieve arrives at an utterly coincidental moment, just in time to see Colin hugging Jill.

Also an idiot.

Victoria's House.
Victor and Victoria's chat about Genevieve is interrupted by a phone call from Hong Kong Airlines, telling her Billy left his phone on the plane along with two angry Thai hookers and a meth pipe. Billy, Billy, Billy...

Episode: August 5 2011



Dead, dead Diane narrates this episode. Is anyone really surprised that not even Death itself can keep this broad's goddamn yap shut?

Blah blah blah...
GCPD Station.
Douchity-douchity-douche bag Ronan tapes photos of the suspects to the white board and then stares at it, wondering what would happen if he stopped thinking about how awesome he was, and instead just tried to solve this stupid case thing. Dead Diane talks about being alive. So neither she, nor irony, are as dead as we've been lead to believe.


Dream Sequence.
Diane in her suite surrounded by funeral flowers. She claims she had no idea she'd be killed, which means she must be so tragically stupid it's probably a blessing not to have her in the gene pool anymore.

This show is weird.
Restless Style.Dead Diane wonders if Phyllis and Nick are heartless assholes, or just guilty of murder - and I say, why choose? Jack shows up to tell Nick and Phyllis he's found Kyle, the son who he lost they way some people lose the TV remote. He gives them the heads up that Ronan will be questioning them about how great they think Ronan is. Jack leaves. Phyllis looks constipated.

Victoria's House.
Dead Diane calls Victoria narcissistic, which, duh. Victoria voicemails Billy to ask why he suddenly took off. Victor arrives to warn her about Ronan and his sidekick, Ronan's Ego, who will both want to question her.

Athletic Club.
Drunkster Abby shows up at the bar as dead Diane calls her a dirty whore, which, double-duh. Adam approaches, offering to be Abby's alibi if she'll be his. She says no.

Plywood Forest.
Abby's flashback has Diane taunting Abby with the key to a safe containing Abby's confession tape. Abby lunges for Diane.

With this key, I thee screw.
Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's reading the headlines about dead Diane being dead.

Plywood Forest.
Tucker's flashback has Diane taunting him about the confession tape. For someone who didn't know she was going to be killed, she sure sent out plenty of engraved invitations...

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley's pissed about Tucker fucking Diane, and she will be staying elsewhere for the time being. They basically recycled the Billy/Victoria break-up dialog, so moving on to Ashley's phone call. Ronan's coming over to talk about Diane's murder and his awesome hair.

Victoria's House.
Victor bad-mouths Billy to Victoria, who still loves the miserable gambling drunkard.

Restless Style.
Phyllis and Nick agree to be each others' alibi.

Plywood Forest.
A Nick flashback. He's confronting Diane on the footbridge, ready to call the DA about Diane blackmailing his family. She knocks the phone out of his hands...

...a Phyllis flashback. Diane thinks they have unfinished business to discuss.

Athletic Club.
Adam still wants to share alibis with Abby. She's not going for it, dude. And you want the spoiled drunk-driving snot to be your cover story?

Aeroplane.
Jack, nervously twitching in his seat.

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley and Tucker nervously await Ronan's arrival.

Plywood Forest.
An Ashley flashback. Hey, how did ten people get together in the same park at the same time and not cross paths? This timeline is going to look more like a double knot. Anyway, Ashley and Diane bitch at each other.

Tucker's "pad".
Here's Ronan! He wants to know where they were when Diane's head was being turned inside out.

Athletic Club.
Adam presses Abby to cooperate. She refuses. He gives up. Finally!

Victoria's House.
Blah blah Victoria.

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley and Tucker lie that they were together at the swingin' "pad" when Diane was killed.

Restless Style.
Phyllis and Nick lie that they were together all night. Ronan notices her EMERGENCY! manicure.

Athletic Club.
Adam sulks alone while Abby sits with Victor talking about Ronan, and Adam's offer of an alibi. Ronan slides in to ask Abby some questions. She claims she was at the bar all night, but all the bartender can remember is how fucking drunk Abby got herself.

GCPD Station.
Ronan's looking at the fingernail Phyllis lost the night of the murder, wondering who it belongs to and if he'd look totally awesome in that color. Then he remembers Phyllis' EMERGENCY! manicure...

Plywood Forest.
A Phyllis flashback. Diane heaps insults on Phyllis. They scrap briefly, then Diane casually leaves to make a call. Phyllis digs the murder rock out of the plywood forest floor and follows Diane...

...Tucker's flashback has him strangling her with his weak coma hands, and Diane shoving his off-balance ass effortlessly to the ground like he's a three-legged dog. He rolls around in the underbrush, going three rounds with a plastic shrub before throwing in the towel.

GCPD Station.
Ronan smirks flirtatiously at his reflection in the back of a spoon, when someone drops off more evidence: the safe key Diane had taunted Abby with. It was found in Diane's mouth, possibly as an ill-fated effort to shut her the fuck up.

Plywood Forest.
Abby's flashback, continued. Diane easily fends her off, and if Diane was really this strong all along, they should have just had her go around town beating the shit out of everybody. That would have been great. Alas, we're stuck with this dimly-lit, dimly-written scene. Oh look! Abby's come back for knuckle-sandwich second helpings! She's holding her own, actually, although this is a dragged-out slap fight...

... Nick's dickish flashback. Diane tries to get Nick's phone but she can't, mostly because Nick's slapping her around and threatening to murder her. The fumbled phone, of course, somehow mis-dials to Ashley's voicemail, which records the whole altercation...

...Ashley's flashback shows her and Diane bickering. Ashley shoves Diane's off-balanced ass to the ground like she's a two-legged Tucker. Diane gets up and runs, chased by Ashley. A state park wildlife camera records their exchange.

GCPD Station.
Still more evidence piling up: a deep imprint on Diane's arm from a Harvard class ring.

Athletic Club.
Hey everybody! Look at Adam's Harvard class ring! Shiny! The alibi-needer calls the chick he banged the night of the murder.

Aeroplane.
Jack, flying off to rescue Kyle from good food, nice people, and free medical care. You teach those freedom-loving socialists a lesson in how to abuse the poors, Jack!

GCPD Station.
Ronan's looking over Victor's flight plans for just after the murder took place. Then he autographs his own picture and mails it to himself.

Plywood Forest.
Victor's flashback. Diane's telling him Adam was setting him up for her murder. She asks him for help and he, in a rage, goes after her with the murder rock. Victoria watches from a distance, shocked at what she sees.

Dream Sequence.
Diane in her suite surrounded by the rest of the cast. Just fucking standing there. Easy paycheck, dudes. Kudos.

Ooooh, pretty!