Episode: August 12 2011

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Abby blocks Chloe's entry to remind Chloe she's a bitch. Chloe looks like she just might like to verbally lacerate the Naked Airhead.

GCPD STATION.
Poison sumac, key, fingernail, class ring; these are some of the things Ronan is trying to learn to spell. Ronan claims logic puzzles drove his dad crazy, but I'm betting he went nuts because Ronan stole some of his internal organs, too. He decides to treat a kop to some coffee.

Sound it out, Ronan...

RESTLESS STYLE.
Nick gets another call playing back his murder threats to Diane from a blocked number. He calls Ashley and says they have to meet. Phyllis overhears because, nosy-ass bitch.

TUCKER'S “pad”.

Tucker calls Ashley as he tends to his poison sumac rash. He voice-mails a promise to Ashley, to make things up to her for that time he slick-dicked Diane's toxic va-jay-jay.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Jack's visiting that old bitch, Katherine. She tells him that while she's in control of Tucker's shit, she intends to royally fuck it up. She's selling Jabot from McCall to Chancellor Industries, taking it out from under Tucker's busted up brain. She's about to tell Jack some great big fat secret when the doorbell rings. It is Jack's sister Ashley, telling Katherine she won't get in the way of Katherine's plans to destroy Tucker's marriage to Ashley – if Katherine gives Tucker back his company, including Jabot.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Abby and Chloe blah blah blah about Billy. Tucker calls to summon Abby as Chloe turns around and walks off. You gonna let that lil' blonde slut push you around like that, Chloe? Where's my damned cat fight!? Stupid show. Ronan enters as Abby hissy-fits her way out the door.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Ashley, Jack and Katherine continue to debate Ashley's offer. Katherine's slurring so much her dentures are wobbling around in there. Fixodent!

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Chloe storms back in – someone stole the crap from her car. Douche Ronan to the rescue! Only Chloe despises the air he exhales, so, DRAMA! 

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis nags about Nick's phone call. He lies to her about it. She doubts him, which is a good move in general. She tells him about a creepy guy (Deacon) she met in the woods and Nick offers to go over there and beat the shit out of him. He's hoping it's a homeless person because they're weak from malnutrition and easier to hit. Phyllis politely declines Nick's offer.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Ashley lies that Tucker is not an idiot. She says that Katherine's got awful maternal instincts, which is wrong since it implies that bipedal lizard Katherine actually has maternal instincts. Katherine excuses herself to go unhinge her jaw and shove some live weasels down her throat, leaving Jack to question Ashley's motives.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Abby arrives. Tucker wants to talk about the night Abby found him giving Diane the ol' man meat. Abby appears slightly queasy. No one blames you, dear.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Chloe finishes giving her statement to the kops. She commandeers the shop's phone and calls her friend to let her know some of her shit got stolen, too. She overhears two kops talking about how Ronan told them Chloe's a priority. Huh.

GCPD STATION.
Ronan discovers that Jack also has a Harvard class ring. He doodles a penis on the Big Board O' Clues and giggles like a little girl.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Jack and Ashley talk about parking. PARKING. Fucking parking. Really, show? This is how you reward my loyalty? Ashley refuses to tell Jack anything about Tucker, so he talks about the chores left on his to-do list. Fucking. SHOW.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Tucker admits he was shtupping Diane. Abby flips out.

Daytime. Emmy. WINNER.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Excellent mother Chloe forgets where she misplaced her daughter. Katherine wraps her meat claws around Chloe's arms and offers her tea. Chloe's worried about what kind of a person Delia will grow up to be, if every father figure in her life leaves her. Uh, that's easy. She'll be the “stripper” kind of person.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis knows Nick is lying to her and it's just eating her up. Hee! Fun times. She exits as Nick gets a call. It's the Blocked Phone Number of Taunting. He tosses his phone aside.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Here's Kyle, his soul freshly crushed by news of his mother's head, which is also freshly crushed. Jack asks how he's doing. Not so good. Jack tells him he needs a good laugh, which, yeah Jack, grief counselors agree: when your mom's brutally murdered, take in a puppet show! Ronan arrives to ask Jack about the class ring imprint in Diane's arm. He wants Jack's ring, Jack tells him to fuck off, Ronan whips out a search warrant. Come on, Jack. Not cooperating with an investigation? Bad news.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
Ashley left Tucker, and Abby rubs the fact into Tucker's poison sumac. Tucker threatens to go to the GCPD about Abby's confession tape.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley arrives and Nick plays back the taunting voice-mails. Someone's got Ashley's old cell phone – if they turn it over to Ronan, then it's slammer time for both these mooks.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Jack and Kyle hang in the backyard while the kops tear up their shit inside looking for the ring. Inside, the fumble-bum kops aren't able to find it.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Chloe and Katherine cram delicate imported chocolates into their pie holes like dollar store pork rinds. 

JACK'S HOUSE.
Jack wants to know what's taking these idiots so long. They can't find the ring. Jack tells them where it is but they still can't find it. That's because Kyle clipped it and stuffed it in his pocket. Slick move, junior Sith Lord. Your turn to the Dark Side is complete.

And he shall be called “Darth Smiley”.

TUCKER'S “pad”.
On her way storming out, Abby knocks over the bottle of Calamine lotion Tucker's been using to treat his … uh, carpal tunnel syndrome. Yeah, that's it. Carpal tunnel syndrome

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley and Nick can't figure out why someone would want to torment Nick, who is a total dick.

PLYWOOD FOREST.
Oh, looky here! Parks and recreation has arrived to retrieve footage from the wildlife camera for the police. It will probably show Diane being thrown back and forth from one side of the frame to the other, for like, twenty minutes, by every one of the suspects. But whoops! Someone's stolen the camera.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Ashley's a-scared and Nick gives her a consolation hug just as Phyllis returns to see...