Athletic Club.
Cranky Old Victor ka-bitches about that stupid Diane's false accusations of domestic abuse, as lawyer Mike cautions him against letting any of the surrounding staff poors overhear. Nikki's feeble rehab center calls Victor -- they've accidentally misplaced her, and does she have a favorite chew toy they could use to lure her out of hiding?
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| "Yes. one shaped just like a huge bottle of gin." |
Tucker's "pad".
Tucker and Ashley and Abby, oh my! The three spin their sad little brain-wheels about Diane's "Abby confession tape". Ashley vows that, as a totally rich person, word will never get out - no matter what!
 |
| "I'll buy usage rights to every word on Earth if I have to!" |
Jack shoots down a sexy and completely smooth and very-so nekkid Diane. Wilted barbs are slightly exchanged. Diane storms sort of out. Jack's miffed. Moving right on.
 |
| Always sad to see a dude cock-block himself. |
Probably mortified at having half their staff walk in on them fucking at the office, Phyllis and Nick the dick are working from the coffee house. Phyllis is angrily ranting that she's totally cool and casual about Nick sleeping with Diane. Nick finds the story Diane leaked to the tabloids on his Crackberry. He vows revenge on Diane. Victoria storms in and then out, past Billy. Divorced Phyllis gives Billy relationship advice and he asks her why she isn't home taking care of the baby she stole from him.
Diane's Suite.
Diane's cursing the world when Nick calls. He wants to meet with her.
 |
| Oh, and Diane? It's BYOBB. Bring Your Own Body Bag. |
Adam's on the bridge throwing rocks in the water and cursing the world. Hey, these two kids have something in common - bitter self-entitlement! He's wishing that Diane gets killed.
Crimson Lights.
Phyllis tells Billy she's an awesome mother to the kid that she cruelly ripped out of Billy's arms and heart, and how dare he insinuate that she's an awful person! Diane meets Nick, who launches into a tirade about how Diane should just shut up and take whatever random abuse the Newman family feels like entertaining themselves with dishing out. Strangely she's not on board with that. Oh, remember Phyllis, whose legs have spent so much time apart she can't remember how to close them anymore? Phyllis, who fucked her ex-husband in front of the staff of Restless Style? You know, that Phyllis? Yeah, she calls Diane a whore. The Royal Academy of Hypocrites drops by to offer Phyllis a lifetime achievement award, which she gracelessly accepts.
Tucker's "pad".
Fucked-brain Tucker, crazy-brained Ashley, and hare-brained Abby try to come up with a plan to deal with the Abby confession tape. It does not go well. Tucker wants to claim it was faked, just like the "moon landing". Ashley steps out for air while Tucker grumbles that Diane basically needs to be shot dead twice.
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| "It's a conspiracy, man! Everyone knows Neil Armstrong was really played by Walter Matthau!" |
Victoria joins Michael and Victor, frantic about her missing mother. The Newmans rant about Diane while Mike tries to calm them the fuck down. Adam strolls in just in time to overhear Victor loudly threaten Diane. That'll turn Adam's frown upside-down! Victoria "jokingly" orders a gallon of rum at the bar, just in time for Billy to walk in and witness. Lots of awkward moments between the two, thanks show! Victoria leaves and Jack joins Billy. Adam and Victor exchange snark.
Crimson Lights.
Phyllis threatens to call the cops on Diane, who threatens to call social services on Phyllis. It would be great if they ended up cellmates! Good times all around!
Athletic Club.
Divorced Jack loudly threatens Diane so everyone can hear, then gives Billy relationship advice.
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| "And if she's totally naked? Dude, do not have sex with her!" |
Abby stops by and they bitch about Diane, agreeing she must be stopped. They're gonna have to draw straws in Genoa City to decide who gets to murder the unhappy hooker.
Athletic Club.
Tucker stops by to tell Victor what a fucking mess he's made by not disposing of that video properly. If Victor can't handle Diane, Tucker guesses he'll have to. Only his fucked-up brain keeps calling her 'Cap'n Crunch', so, problem.
 |
| "Mark my words, Victor: shmipple flapple schmorf. Got that?" |
Ah, Diane. Half the town's sharpening their pitchforks and here you are in an ugly dress. Seriously, that thing is more hurtful than all of your lawsuits, lies and blackmailing combined. She's meeting a peeved Ashley. They call each other disgusting and Diane tells Ashley she fucked Tucker and Ashley slaps her and there's your third star in the rating. WHACK!
Athletic Club.
Jack's tracked Kyle down on the phone but Kyle freaks and hangs up on him. Jack growls Diane's name. He might as well prance about with "IMMA GONNA KILL DIANE" tattooed on his face. At the bar, Victor and Michael see Diane walk in. Michael takes her aside and tactfully tells her to fuck off. He'll even give her money to do it. She hears the word "money" and is suddenly agreeable. Whore. Adam and Victor spar. Mike leaves Diane and Adam corners her. He wants to resume the plan to frame Victor for Diane's murder - tonight. She, dummy, agrees. Nice knowin' ya, Diane! Oh, and update your will. Mike tells Victor he's taking care of Diane. Jack's still trying to track down Kyle. Abby tells Victoria she seems "weird" which, hello? Understatement? Victor just randomly shoves Billy.
 |
| "Because I haven't knocked somebody innocent down in almost three days!" |
Diane's putting the finishing touches on her statement recanting the testimony against Adam. She texts everyone who hates her to meet her at the bridge in Plywood Forest. Good move, Diane. she leaves and the camera lingers on her room number.
 |
| The number of people lined up to kill Diane. |
Ashley's on her seventh cup of coffee when Tucker tracks her down. Suddenly they both get a text - I wonder who from? - and lie about having to do this or that and part ways. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when writers craft stories that make us heave...
Restless Style.
Phyllis beats the shit out of a computer and says "I am not wound up" twelve times. Then she and Nick get Diane's text, lie about doing this or that, and head out. Won't they kind of figure out something's weird when they leave from the same place, in the same direction, to the same destination, at the same time? Will they wave to each other from separate cars? Or just pretend they don't notice each other?
Athletic Club.
Jack holds Billy back while Mike holds back Victor. Billy takes a drunken swing and misses so completely he almost punches himself. The cops show up - aw, party's over. Then everyone's PDAs bleep all at once and they make excuses and leave at the same time and none of these idiots notices. Christ.
Plywood Forest.
Diane waits patiently on the bridge for the lynch mob she summoned to arrive simultaneously and beat the shit out of her. Are you sure you thought this one through, sugar? The money from Adam's appeared in her account so she calls Kyle and leaves him the message that she'll be joining him soon. She'll be mailed to him, specifically, inside a cremation urn. Cash on delivery!
Room 541.
Diane's suite? Why the fuck are we here? It's empty. The lights are off. We cross-fade from pillows with words like ROTTEN DOG and CRAZY on it to -
Tucker's "pad".
- Ashley entering the "pad". Crazy needs a shower. Tucker looks goggle-eyed as we cross-fade to -
Room 541.
- two pillows reading HUNK and BITCH -
Restless Style.
- where Nick and Phyllis greet each other by fucking. Oh, I get it, the pillows are like the people! How truly odd. Tucker's a DOG, Ashley's CRAZY, Nick is a HUNK and Phyllis is BITCH. Now we get to see -
Room 541.
- a pillow reading GREED IS GOOD -
Jail Visiting Room.
- and a miserable-looking Jack arrives to bail Billy out. Next fortune cookie pillow, please:
Room 541.
- GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUNDS and WHY YES, I'M EVIL -
Athletic Club.
Abby sidles up to the bar next to Adam and starts pounding shots. Fade to -
Room 541.
- IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING and PRINCESS SLEEPS HERE -
Crimson Lights.
Victor and Victoria run into each other and chit chat briefly, neither looking particularly innocent. Our final pillow message is -
Room 541.
- THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME -
Plywood Forest.
- a slow, creepy pan past plastic shrubs to the bridge, and down into the water, where Diane's dead body floats face down in the drink. Dun dun DUN!!!
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