Episode: August 11 2011

Adam's Suite.
The buzzards are circling Adam's sorry ass as the cretin realizes the kops must've made off with his Harvard class ring. How's that ivy league education workin' for ya, you pathetic gas-lighting spontaneous-abortion instigator? Yeah, thought so.

Let's see, a bottle of orphan tears, my black magic candles...now, where's my Harvard class ring..?

GCPD Station.
Ronan orders the arrest of Adam Newman. Victor and Michael enter, Victor grouchy because he actually has to cooperate with the police like the peasants do. Ronan's slightly curious why Diane, who hated Victor's guts and charged him with domestic violence, would turn custody of her only child over to Victor in the event of her death. Victor waves his hand in front of Ronan and tells him these are not the droids you're looking for, and Ronan just laughs and laughs and laughs. Victor then starts giving deep insight into the mind of a murderer, which, bad move gramps.

Crimson Lights.
Abby shows Victoria Billy's lame-o email that Abby got. Victoria needs to tell Abby her job at Beauty of Nature's been cut, so instead she goes to get some cookies. Abby continues talking to herself.

Meanwhile, Chloe bitches about Billy and Kevin's sick of hearing about it. Us too, Kevin, you gun-toting loon. Victoria stops by to get a good bitch-fest rolling.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis is pushing a stroller with Lucy in it, marking the first time she's paid attention to the infant since she ruined a dozen lives tearing it from its parents' arms. Don't worry, though, she's not actually paying attention to the baby! That would be silly. She's actually texting, and putting on a show of giving a shit so people will stop saying she's a monstrous bitch. Look out, Phyllis! She rams the carriage into Deacon. Hi Deacon! That could've been a bus you wheeled her under, Phyllis. Just sayin'. Anyway, Deacon's wondering if Phyllis crushed Diane's stupid head in.

GCPD Station.
Ronan thinks Victor killed Diane to get a hold of Kyle. Adam enters to get his class ring back. Victor reveals his wristwatch and says Adam tried to frame him for Diane's murder with it. Adam scoffs at the idea. Victor wants Ronan to lift Adam's prints from the watch. Victor comes from antique-y times, when they didn't know how to cover their fingers with gloves, which is what Adam was wearing the night he tried to frame Victor.

Mr. Smugly S. McSmugenstern, at your service!

Crimson Lights.
Abby twirls her hair vacantly. Androgynous Daniel walks in and congratulates her on her new Beauty of Nature job as Chief Executive Attention Whore. Abby tells Daniel about how Daniel's mom, Phyllis, ruined Billy's life by taking Lucy away from him and Victoria. Daniel's heard it and said it before.

Meanwhile, Chloe and Victoria go a couple rounds, but we've seen it all before. So has Kevin, who's fucking tired of this goddamned shit. Victoria goes to Daniel and Abby, who are sympathetic. Oh, and Daniel loathes his mother. We feel your pain, Daniel.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis and Deacon trade barbs. She asks if he's trying to impress her, and he says, "Not yet." He leaves her to wonder what the fuck that might mean. Daniel arrives to ride his mom's last nerve about her being a home-wrecker to Billy and Victoria.

Crimson Lights.
Blah blah Billy. Victoria tells Abby she's been shit-canned. Deacon strolls in to insult the dimwits, thanking Abby for "baring it all", then walks away. Abby figures out that Deacon must have seen her make her confession. TIME TO FREAK OUT GURL!!

GCPD Station.
Ronan asks about how Victor got the watch and Victor spins some dumbass yarn with more holes in it than a colander. Michael shoos Victor out of there. Adam dares Ronan to arrest him. Ronan rolls his eyes. Adam asks why a dumb non-Ivy Leaguer, who must obviously be jealous of Adam, would steal his class ring. Ronan tells Adam about the ring-shaped imprint in Diane's arm. Adam leaks some smarm onto the floor.

Crimson Lights.
The idiots are trying to figure out how deeply in shit Abby is, with her confession video floating around out there. Deacon saunters by, freaking out the sisters with the sleaze he leaves in his wake.

Chancellor Estate.
Chloe's pissed that Billy sent his daughter Delia a pretty present, which, cunt. Kevin's six kinds of fed up with Chloe's self-absorbed pityfest. Esther arrives with Delia and Chloe blows Kevin off. Enjoy single life, Chloe. Delia goes to swim in the pool and Chloe blah blah blahs Billy to Esther. Esther reminds Chloe that Kevin exists. Chloe hugs Kevin and he grits his teeth.

Planning his exit strategy.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis and Daniel tend to Lucy. Phyllis talks in a really weird raspy voice for no reason, then asks Daniel to watch Lucy while she slips away secretively.

Newman Ranch.
Victor and Abby talk about her getting shit-canned. He wants her to learn some business and she can't believe he wants her to fucking learn or some crazy shit.

Plywood Forest.
Phyllis walks her ass right into the crime scene, looking for ... something? Well, she finds Victoria, at least, also looking for ... something?

Newman Ranch.
Victor presses Abby to learn something useful, and she whines. Michael arrives; there might be enough evidence to arrest Adam. Victor's pleased. He calls Diane "arrogant" and somewhere in the world the Irony Police mobilize for action. Mike also has learned that there was poison sumac wrapped around Diane's neck, and that a key (to the safe containing Abby's idiot confession tape) was found in her throat. Abby silently shits her pants.

Fortunately, her shit don't stink.

Plywood Forest.
Deacon arrives to freak out Phyllis and Victoria. Victoria and Phyllis scatter.

GCPD Station.
Ronan tries to psychologically profile Adam and gets it totally fucking wrong. Quantico! The results are in: the ring that made the mark in Diane's arm isn't the same as Adam's ring because Adam's ring is chipped, and the imprint doesn't reflect that.

Chancellor Estate.
Chloe tells Kevin he's basically a castrato who she uses as a crutch. He breaks the fuck up with her. She has the nerve to look hurt.

Newman Ranch.
Victor wants Mike to fucking get Adam arrested already.

Plywood Forest.
Daniel apologizes to his daughter for fucking her life up. Phyllis sends him away rudely. Deacon pops by to tell Phyllis he 'saw what she did'.

Crimson Lights.
Abby tells Victoria the police found the key in Diane's throat. The key is what Victoria was searching for! I get it now. I don't particularly care, but I get it.

GCPD Station.
Adam taunts Ronan and leaves. A random kop tells Ronan that Victoria and Phyllis were both spotted at the crime scene, along with Deacon. The analysis of the key is useless, which, par for the course for GCPD.