Episode: July 15 2011

Chancellor Estate.
Step-n-fetch-it Esther drags her granddaughter Delia in to see Chloe. The kid vaguely recognizes her mom, hugs her, then gets dragged back out of the room by Esther. Katherine walks in with the daily mail in her manicured claws, laying a guilt trip on Chloe for screwing Billy out of custody of Delia.

"Yeah, yeah, ya old bag. Just keep me in the will."

Victoria's house.
It must be Hug Day. Billy and Victoria embrace before Victoria peels herself off and scurries away like some startled deer. Awesome moral support there, you bug-eyed woodland creature.

Fenmore's Boutique.
The construction barriers are gone and the new Jabot line is absolutely underwhelming in every measurable way. Lauren's trying to make the best of things when Jack pops in. Michael appears out of nowhere and slurps on his wife's neck. Jill arrives and lets Jack know what a loser his brother Billy is. Something tells me this storyline is going to be the death of me.

Gloworm.
Abby's greeted by totally disposable characters who are in town for the Jabot launch. They make fun of the fact that she actually eats food and tell her she was in a newspaper column under 'has been'. How inaccurate! She's clearly a 'never was'.

"But ... how can I be irrelevant if I can't even spell it!?"
Tucker's hospital room.
Ashley makes out with bed-ridden Tucker and it's just uncomfortable to watch. Tucker reveals he's being discharged that evening. Yet another hug in the first five minutes of this thing. You could make a drinking game out of it. You should make a drinking game out of it, because boy, this episode ain't gonna do the trick sober.

Chancellor estate.
Katherine's trying to defend Billy, but his rap sheet is way too long to make a case for him. Speaking of the gambling alcoholic smut fiend, how is Billy doing?

Victoria's house.
Not so well. Victoria knows about his arrest for soliciting a hooker and doesn't seem inclined to believe him. All he did was purchase a human baby illegally and not tell you about it, Victoria. Why won't you trust him?

Fenmore's boutique.
The launch is in full swing, and by "full swing" I mean some people standing around murmuring. Abby makes an appearance, promising Jack she won't flash her tits to the media. Countdown to tit-flash begins now. Jack tells her she needs to talk to her mother Ashley. Abby shrugs it off.

The "party". Can you tell the people from the mannequins?
Tucker's hospital room.
Tucker wants Ashley to run his mega-empire while he recuperates, a startling announcement overshadowed by Ashley's own tits, which seem to be trying to make a break for it over the top of her low-cut dress. Tucker sez what now?

Fenmore's boutique.
Abby and her faux friends greet Lauren and Mike while Jack gives interviews about how great he is and how great Jabot is and how great it is that he is head of Jabot...

Tucker's hospital room.
...something Tucker wants to change pronto, and he wants Ashley to agree to shitcan her own brother. While he's at it, he wants to toss his mother Katherine in there too. Family's so important to him, I guess.

Chancellor estate.
Speaking of the octogenarian, Katherine's chit chat with Chloe continues. Let's check in on Billy and Victoria instead.

Victoria's house.
Billy's trying to weasel-word his way out of his predicament and Victoria believes him. Christ, woman. He lied about being a human trafficker. That's evidence in his favor to you?

Fenmore's boutique.
The boring party continues.

Tucker's hospital room.
Ashley's helping Tucker pack. Tucker wants to go to the launch party to prove how energetic he is - I wish I could warn him that the launch party is where all of the energy in the universe goes to die.

Chancellor estate.
Step-n-fetch Esther drags Delia back into the room. Chloe tells Delia her daddy's a seedy dirtbag who buys and sells babies like her and he's hungover from poisoning himself with alcohol and let's have a slumber party and Delia's like, "Wheeee!"

"Wheee!"
Victoria's house.
Mope-a-palooza drags on, and on, and on...it's even got funeral dirge music playing in the background. I feel so emo right now. Thanks, fucking show.

Fenmore's boutique.
I want to dig my eyes out with a shard of petrified shit. How's that for a recap?

Victoria's house.
Victoria's alone, wandering aimlessly around the living room talking to pictures. Actual network time was devoted to this.

Chancellor estate.
Billy's at the door when Chloe answers. He lets himself in to see Delia and Chloe refuses. Because, you know, fucking court orders.

Fenmore's boutique.
No more recaps of the "party" unless something plot-like occurs.

Chancellor estate.
Chloe's still refusing to let Billy see Delia and he's getting pissed. He'll see her right now, dammit. Chloe blocks his movement. Oooh! He might just slap her. Add it to the list of your saintly behavior if you do, Billy boy.

"Guess what I'm planning to do with this hand..."
Victoria's house.
Well, at least she's on the phone talking to an actual person now. But it's just her mom's personal answering service telling her that her mom Nikki couldn't be bothered to come to the phone right now. Victoria breaks down. Hope those are tears of joy, Victoria, you got scumbag Billy out of your life and you didn't have to talk to Mother McDrunkenstein.

Chancellor estate.
Will he? Will Billy slap Chloe around like you know he wants to? No, that would be interesting and this is Y&R so, more cross-bitching. Billy leaves with tail between legs instead. Riveting! Thank God this episode is almost fucking over.

Fenmore's boutique.
Jack and Lauren decide to liven the party up with - live music? Nah. A colorful balloon drop? No. No, they're gonna kick this bitch up a notch with a ... press conference. Party animals! Tucker and Ashley arrive and totally steal the non-thunder.

They don't pay me enough for episodes like this. I'm gonna go get hammered now. Bottom's up, loyal readers!

2 comments:

  1. You were right, this one was a stinker. And me out of wine! I had to watch (fast forward) the darn thing sober.

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  2. Boy, if you think this one was phoned in by the sleepwalking Cro Magnons who "write" this show, just wait until you see Monday's episode. Until the final ten seconds, that is. Otherwise, please don't operate heavy machinery while watching Y&R. It may cause drowsiness.

    Thanks for reading!

    ReplyDelete