Episode: August 15 2011

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Ace customer service skills on display, Kevin angrily snaps at Mike and Lauren about his break-up with Chloe. Mike notes the daily paper's running great big photos of Diane's waterlogged corpse. Breakfast's on me!

Easy, queasy...

JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle, once a nice little boy until his mom's murder turned him to the Dark Side, is now eager to stare at those pictures of her dead body. Ewww. Jack's not so keen on that, but Kyle threatens to look them up on the internet at this porn site he knows, and double eww. So Jack shows him the pictures and then Kyle gets so into it he wants to see the actual dead body. Triple ewww. And hey! The park where momster was brutally murdered? Right across the street! Kyle suggests packing a light lunch.

Maybe you should just let Victor have him, Jack.

GLOWORM.
Mistress of Mope, Nina, enters to find Ronan trying to figure out who murdered Diane Jenkins. He's such a selfish bastard! So she distracts him with lots of waterworks, delaying the capture of a homicidal maniac. Thanks weepy Nina!

TUCKER'S "pad".
Tucker's trying to read some business plan, but his fucked up brain makes him think its a 14th century Dutch guide to tulip planting. Katherine parks her broom outside and pushes her way into the "pad". She tells him how much Ashley totally hates his guts and wasn't going to stop Katherine from ruining his life.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Abby's glad to see her mom's moved out of the "pad". As usual, Ashley apologizes for things she didn't do, then tells Abby that she's not exactly leaving Tucker. Abby's jaw hits the floor, but that's only because she thought she saw a penis for a second.

It's a reflex.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Katherine's planting all sorts of seeds of doubt in Tucker's mind, which is hardly fertile ground. Ashley has ulterior motives, Tucker couldn't spell his own name if he wanted to, blah blah. Then she mounts her broom and cackles off into the sky, leaving a burning bag of poo for Tucker to remember her by.

PLYWOOD FOREST.
Jack shows Kyle where Diane was bludgeoned to death near the bridge. Kyle's got all sorts of gruesome questions, like how long did it take to kill his mom? Ya got some sort of timetable you're planning out, kid? Jack lies and tells Kyle his skank lying blackmailing momma went to heaven. No she didn't, Kyle. No she didn't.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Paul runs into Nina while waiting for Katherine. Blah blah they're breaking up. Now they're not. Blah.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren assumes Kevin was the loser who got dumped instead of vice versa, which doesn't help the homicidal rodent-head-wearing barista's mood any. Lauren offers to beat the shit out of Chloe.

Those pipe-cleaner arms are freakishly strong.

Jack brings Kyle in to get the kid all hopped up on caffeine. Jack's on the horn with the GCPD, who took all of Kyle's shit from Diane's suite and won't give it back because they're fucking assholes. Kyle asks Michael why everybody hated his mom. Awk-warrrrrd!

GCPD STATION.
Ronan wants to know how the press got the crime scene photos. Everyone looks at him slack-jawed. Abby walks in to finger somebody, and also to blame someone for Diane's murder.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley returns and Tucker wants to know why she'd side with Katherine.

GLOWORM.
Neil thinks Katherine's a dope with her plan to steal Jabot from Tucker.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren and Kevin blah blah relationships. Mike and Kyle blah blah murder.

GCPD STATION.
Abby blames Tucker for Diane's murder. Her evidence? Tucker's arm is totally itchy, man! Ronan asks her if she's ever had a complete thought in her life and she stares at him like he's explaining string theory. She lets slip she knows about the poison sumac wrapped around Diane's neck, which Ronan wants to know how the hell she knows that. Abby squeals that Tucker cheated on her mom with Diane. This gets Ronan's attention.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley says she stabbed Tucker in the back to help him. Which is totally logical in Genoa City and batshit insane elsewhere. Blah blah Diane.

GLOWORM.
Katherine wants Neil to sell her bullshit plan to the board of directors. Good luck Neil!

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Paul's on the phone with Ronan, who tells him there's a leak in the office he wants Paul to handle. Paul says he doesn't have to pee-pee right now, and on the other end of the line we hear Ronan slap his forehead.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Lauren and Kevin blah blah relationships. Jack finally has permission to collect Kyle's things from the police. He and the kid head out.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Blah blah relationship on the rocks. Knock knock! Hi, Ronan! It feels like the wheels came off this episode about ten minutes ago, and now its just sliding downhill kicking up a shower of sparks.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Some weird-headed girl flirts with Kevin.

...but she has a great personality.

Mike assumes funeral-coordinating duties so Jack can spend more time fucking up Kyle's life. Very generous of you, Mikey!

GLOWORM.
Neil sells Katherine's bullshit plan to the board of directors. Katherine's excited to be fucking her child over. Jesus creeping Christ.

TUCKER'S "pad".
With Ashley out in the hall, Ronan thinks Tucker's bandaged arm conceals poison sumac. Tucker gives warantless Ronan the boot, then scratches his arm like a motherfucker.

CHANCELLOR ESTATE.
Nina exits, promising to mope a lot more. Phew! Thank God! Paul hits Katherine up for more cash so he can go to Atlantic City, fuck a prostitute, and snort a quarter pound of blow. Whoops! I mean, "continue his investigation into the identity of Tucker's lost son".

GCPD STATION.
The fat dude from Fish and Game, who looks like his porn stash could fill a two-car garage, shows up to report the theft of a wildlife camera.

????
The camera in question, hooked up to a monitor, showing Ashley thrashing the shit out of Diane.

TUCKER'S "pad".
Ashley returns and helps Tucker wrap his arm bandage over the sumac whilst simultaneously shooting him down emotionally. Mixed messages much?

GLOWORM.
Abby flashes back to washing her hands. What was the point of that?

DIANE'S SUITE.
Ronan lets Kyle and Diane in. They look at the embroidered pillows with as much confusion as the rest of us. Ronan asks Kyle if he knows what the fuck the pillows mean and Kyle - who lived in the suite for weeks - says he's never seen them before in his life. Those of you who voted "other" in the poll? I think you're on to something here.