Episode: July 13 2011

Fenmore's Boutique.
It's Lily's birthday and she's decided to celebrate by wheeling her twins through a construction site, so, same old Lily! Jill sticks her face into the stroller and, by the look on the twins' faces, that psychiatrist bill they'll be running up in their teens just doubled. Some idiot stagehand gave the babies some really loud toys to clonk and bang so the dialog's hard to follow, big Jabot product launch tomorrow blah blah blah, but then rancid  baby-napper Colin strolls on in and when Lily tries to make a break for it she's blocked by loony Genevieve. Welcome to the rest of your life, Lily! Enjoy!

Yep. You survived cancer for THIS shit.

Lily's house.
Malcolm and Devon are tidying up to prepare for Lily's party, which she explicitly said she didn't want so of course they're giving it to her. Neil shows up with a bouquet of flowers and there's much tension betwixt he and Malcolm. He only humped a kid into your wife, Malcolm, what's the big deal? Speaking of which, Sofia arrives next. Malcolm sends Devon away and decides 'just before a joyful celebration' is the best time to unearth a ton of painful memories.

Crimson Lights.
Mafia thug Angelo's stopped by to chit chat with Kevin about ...

Courtroom.
... hey wait! What the hell kind of cut away is this? The only interesting conversation all episode gets interrupted by Victoria's glowing testimony. Looks like she's responding to Billy's lies, baby-buying and abandonment by saving his ass in court. Which is a what-the-f*ck moment many orders of magnitude beyond the scope of my understanding. But, female, Genoa City, doormat, no surprise.

Lily's house.
The trio go at it, trying to figure out who's Sofia's baby-daddy. It's like watching three dogs try to figure out how television works.

"You mean there AREN'T tiny people behind the screen..?"

Fenmore's Boutique.
Jill seriously wants to crack Genevieve on the jaw as Daniel wheels the kids away, leaving momma Lily to verbally eviscerate Colin's geriatric kidnapping ass. She does a fine job of it, too.

Courtroom.
Victoria blah blah blah let's get the hell out of here please.

Lily's house.
Outside, Daniel clues Lily in on the surprise party waiting for her. She walks in, fakes shock, and we're suddenly watching the scene through the window via the 'Peeping Tom Cam'.  Daniel returns from a trip to the car, finding a present left on the doorstep. The card's from Cane. Great timing, Cane. Daniel hides the card in his back pocket and gives Cane's gift to Lily as his own. Slick move.

Fenmore's Boutique.
Bigamist Colin tries to sweet talk Jill by pointing out that Genevieve is only "technically" his wife. There's probably a billion things he could have said that would be more endearing, including "Baby, you smell just like an old French whore." Jack gets a mysterious note from some Asian chick, prompting him to leave.

Crimson Lights.
Back to the conversation between Angelo and Kevin. Angelo's got a mystery client he wants Kevin to manage. Kevin'll think about it. Angelo leaves as Chloe arrives from court. She's not too thrilled about Victoria's testimony that made Billy look actually human.

Billy & Victoria's house.
Victoria answers the door to find Billy and they have a staring contest that Victoria wins. He thanks her and they have another staring contest. I think this is supposed to be serious but I'm giggling.

Something tells me she usually wins these things.

Crimson Lights.

Smilin' Jack takes a seat next to Genevieve. She lets him know he's now on a date with her. How polite of her!

Fenmore's Boutique.
Super-shady Colin insists to Jill that he is not, in fact, super-shady. It goes over like a lead brick.

Billy & Victoria's house.
Billy's trying to sweet talk a dame of his own and doing just a well as Colin. Victoria won't budge.

Lily's house.
The 'surprise' party's still going. Malcolm and Sofia are tense with each other and Lily asks for the truth about what's going on. They tell Lily the truth about Neil maybe being the father and Lily f*cking regrets ever asking. Mind your own, girlfriend, and this wouldn't be so awkward.

Gloworm.
Some trashy blonde comes on to drunkard Billy.

"You can afford me."

Billy & Victoria's house.
Victoria types away on her laptop but can't get her work done because cheesy flashbacks of Billy get in the way. They convince her to go chase after the dummy.

Lily's house.
More of this strung out drama. Let's move on.

Crimson Lights.
Chloe bitches about Victoria to Kevin. Moving on.

Billy's trailer.
Victoria arrives along with the ten-minute warning horn signaling "You're about to get your heart torn out".  Hmm, Billy's not here...

Gloworm.
The blonde prostitute keeps working nihilistic Billy over. He ditches her, but not before tossing her a hundred dollar bill for a cab. A hundred dollar bill.

Giving large sums of money to a hooker can NEVER backfire!

Crimson Lights.
Genevieve flatters Jack, impressing him with her business knowledge in the process. "Jack's giant ego grew three sizes that day..."

Fenmore's Boutique.
Turns out Colin's just there to pick up some tailored suits he'd ordered. Really, show? We're following characters doing mundane chores now? Should we all brace for the upcoming excitement of "Gloria gets her teeth cleaned"?

Lily's house.
This shit again.

Crimson Lights.
Neil and Sofia get a booth. Are you two kids sure the best thing to do right now is sneak around behind Malcolm's back? 'Cuz it worked out so swell the last time...

Gloworm.
Lily tells Daniel the thought of Neil banging Sofia makes her sick to her stomach. Hey, Lily, you didn't have to watch it like we did. I'm still not sure it wasn't an act of inter-species love making...

Daniel comes clean about the gift from Cane that he intercepted, giving her the card he'd hidden.

Crimson Lights.
Chloe goes on and on about how Victoria went on and on.

Billy's trailer.
After standing around like an idiot for an hour, Victoria finally remembers there's a spare key under a rock. A rock that could kick her ass on "Jeopardy!". She lets herself in to wait.

"I'll take clueless broads for $200, Alex."

Outside Gloworm.
The hooker tries again to seduce Billy. The cops arrive to arrest his ass for solicitation. Dem's da breaks, Billy boy. This should help your child custody case immensely.