Episode: August 16 2011

GCPD STATION.
Paul introduces Ronan to the 21st century by transferring the information from the Big Board O' Clues to something called a "computer". They look over the weird message pillows from Diane's suite and consider just forgetting about Diane's murder and having a nap instead. Stupid Abby walks in just as they get their couch cushion fort put together. She wants to know why they haven't arrested Tucker considering all of the totally baseless accusations she's made. Ronan suggests they put a wire tap on Abby so they can take a bunch of the stupid shit she says and make ringtones out of it.

It does look sort of cozy...

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker stops by to deliver Ashley's mail. She's off to Diane's funeral, almost forgetting to take the whoopie cushion she plans to put on Kyle's seat just for laffs n' giggles. Tucker keeps trying to make up with Ashley and she keeps shooting him down, so, fun times!

GLOWORM.
Mike and Victor bitching about being fucking rich. Then Mike gets Victor's permission to roll over, fetch, and go to Diane's funeral.

JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle wonders if anybody is going to show up to his mom's funeral and Jack doesn't even lie and say, "Yeah! Totally!"

CHURCH.
Lauren puts Diane's massively airbrushed photo on top of her white casket. Adam walks in, hoping to pay his respects, and loot the coffin, before everyone else arrives. Lauren suggests Adam think of somebody besides himself and if this show had a laugh track, this is where it would go nuts.

Well, it started out as a photo of Diane...

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Victoria and Nick, with a combined worth of over a billion dollars, complain about how hard life is and stuff. Victoria is going to Diane's funeral just to make sure the bitch is still dead.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Deacon shows up to taunt Phyllis. Turns out he saw Phyllis the night of the murder, chasing Diane with a rock in her hand. Phyllis says they were just playing a really hardcore version of "Red Light, Green Light", but Deacon doesn't buy it because he's not brain dead.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Nick gives Victoria his new phone number and she leaves, passing her responsibility for going to Diane's funeral off to Nick. His phone rings and, yep, his stalker's got his new number and is leaving recordings of him threatening Diane.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis accuses Deacon of trying to blackmail her. He tells her he basically wants to fuck her and he'll call her to make plans.

GCPD STATION.
Abby refuses to wear a wire because it doesn't match her slutty shoes. On her way out, she overhears Ronan and Paul planning to go to Diane's funeral. They also find out that the wildlife camera near Diane's murder scene went missing.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker blah blah Ashley blah blah space blah. Tucker leaves. Ashley's mail has an envelope containing a still from the wildlife camera of Ashley getting ready to beat the shit out of Diane. Or it might be Sasquatch playing with an Etch-A-Sketch, because it's a totally fucking blurry black-and-white photo.

Or maybe it's a sonogram..?

JACK'S HOUSE.
Kyle wonders if he's supposed to do a toast or a seminar or some sort of speech. Hasn't this kid even seen a funeral on TV? Jack tells Kyle he can still talk to his mom, just like Jack still talks to fucking hallucinations of his dead dad. Not the best time to let the kid know he might be in line for hereditary insanity, Jack. Kyle tells Jack he was the one who hid Jack's class ring.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Ha ha! Ashley's totally mentally fragile on the best of days and now she's freaking out! Soon she and Tucker will have matching fucked-up brains. Something to look forward to. Tucker returns to escort Ashley to Diane's funeral. PANIC! She joins Tucker and off they go to see Diane's dead body.

CHURCH.
Michael enters. Ronan and Paul come in, Ronan asking to speak to Mike aside. Ronan doesn't intend to disturb people by having three uniformed policemen frisk each of the mourners.

Victor and Nick arrive. Victor taunts Adam because it's a day that ends in a "Y".

Tucker and Ashley and Abby arrive. Ashley tells Nick about the photo and he asks if she was topless in it. Ronan, not wanting to disturb people, disturbs Nick and Ashley by telling them he knows Nick called her, the night of the murder, from the park. Tucker confronts Abby about her trying to sic the cops on him, and what a whore she is that nobody can believe, and oh yeah, also that she tried to kill him and there's video proof of it.

Adam tells Victor he was the one who orchestrated Diane's signing Kyle over to Victor. Speaking of Diane, not one of these mourners has even acknowledged her casket or uttered a single word of sadness or sympathy. Assholes.

Assholes.

Kyle and Jack arrive and the games begin. Kyle sits and everybody ignores the whoopie cushion farting sound but Ashley, who spends most of the rest of the service giggling loudly. Blah blah priest comfort blah sermon. Jack says a few words, but not few enough. He says Diane was gorgeous and Victor wakes up in a puddle of his own pee. Mike says a few words too, blah blah. Victor can't be upstaged so then he babbles on at the podium a bit. Blah blah priest Bible blah it's over.

Assholes.

Not wanting to disturb people, Ronan disturbs Kyle and Jack by separating them right there in the church. The priest takes Kyle outside and Ronan takes the podium and tells them to sit the fuck down. He's got proof they're a bunch of fucking liars and reminds them that none of them are even remotely reliable human beings. Thanks for the uplifting words, Ronan! Abby, who made a name for herself riding naked on horseback around town, calls Ronan 'inappropriate'. Grandstanding show-off Victor calls Ronan a grandstanding show-off.

Later, Kyle says a private goodbye to Diane's airbrushed picture, which is basically just two eyes and a pair of lips floating inside a fuzzy face-shape. Victor one-ups Jack with a nice photo of Diane. Victor and Jack bicker about custody of Kyle.

RESTLESS STYLE.
Phyllis asks Nick what's the deal with him and Ashley. Nick lies blah blah.

ASHLEY'S SUITE.
Tucker saw how anxious Ashley was after talking to Nick. Ashley lies blah blah. Tucker goes to "use the head", which ewww, leaving Ashley to voice-message Nick and Tucker to overhear.

CRIMSON LIGHTS.
Is this episode over yet? Victoria and Abby fret over Ronan. Abby wonders if Victoria turned against her? Let the fracturing begin!

CHURCH.
Officially sick of this set. Adam demands the letter from Diane, clearing Adam's name, be turned over to the courts. Ronan says only if Adam explains the money he transferred to Diane's bank account. Adam huffs out. Paul and Ronan gloat that they've rattled Adam's cage.