Episode: August 2 2011

Out in Plywood Forest, and of all the people in Genoa City, it's kind-hearted Murphy who wins the Floating Corpse Lottery while fishing. His grand prize? A blue-lipped, water-logged, head-bashed-in, former Diane Jenkins. Congratulations, Murph! If only the taxidermist's shop hadn't been burned down by stupid Heather, you could have Diane stuffed and mounted. Just like she was in real life, only not with billionaire semen this time.

Murphy gets all the good luck!

Our list of suspects from this episode:

ADAM: Wipes mud off his shoes the way murderous Lady Macbeth washes her hands. Wasted no time turning Diane's suite over when word got out she'd croaked, but then again, if he'd known she was dead, wouldn't he have searched her place earlier?

VICTOR: Already accused by the police of slapping Diane around, pretty much loudly announced to the world he wanted to kill the crap out of her. A tabloid photo of him cheating on Diane doesn't help his case too much.

JACK: Also bellowed his plans to murder Diane to anyone who'd listen. Looked absolutely terrible all day, which everyone made fun of. Diane basically kidnapped his son and shipped him C.O.D. to Switzerland. But why would he kill the only person who knew where Kyle was?

ABBY: Got blackout drunk the night of the murder. Previously, when getting this pie-eyed, Abby destroyed an entire wedding and tried really hard to murder Tucker McCall. So, track record, not so good.

TUCKER: Had a leaf stuck in his hair the morning after the murder. Okay, not exactly compelling evidence, but Diane was fucking with him and he's got a temper.

ASHLEY: Looking more koo-koo than usual. Seems pretty damned sure Diane's not gonna be a problem anymore. Her watch was filled with water. Slapped Diane in public the night of the murder.

NICK: His neck was freshly scratched. Made up a fucking stupid alibi blaming his daughter, a ball, and some shrubbery. Just generally a dick. Diane had argued with him in public the night of the murder.

PHYLLIS: Looked pretty nervous when she realized one of her press-on nails was missing. Made an 'emergency appointment' to have her nails re-done which, you stupid cunt, is not a fucking emergency. Also had argued with Diane in public the night of the murder, and several times previously.


And of course, the number one suspect in the murder of Diane Jenkins:

THE WRITERS: Emmy Award-winning actress Maura West played the character of Diane Jenkins with talent, passion and flair. It was a respectable, and surprisingly (for a soap opera) nuanced, performance. So of course - of fucking course - they decide to get rid of her. What talentless starlet with blowjob lips and dead soulless eyes is waiting in the wings to induce yawns in Diane's place? The writers will tell us. And we probably won't give a shit.