Episode: July 18 2011

Fenmore's Boutique.
What should this show do? This show should abandon this storyline like a prom night baby in a girl's bathroom garbage pail. What is the show actually doing instead? The show is doubling down on the misery by replaying parts of this storyline that are from the last episode. They hate me, they really hate me. I don't blame them, but still.

Tucker's back to his prick bastard ways, strolling in with trophy wife Ashley and her two boobs. The four of them steal Jack's spotlight, which provokes a spontaneous round of applause just for shutting the smirking bastard up. Sleep-around Sofia hugs Tucker, then gently cups his balls and, smiling, slowly whispers the word "mommy" three times in his ear. Okay, I made that last shit up to keep from nodding off. Abby - who put Tucker into the hospital in the first place - looks around shiftily. Toss a couple back and drive your Mercedes through the wall, Abby! Everyone would love it!

Some bitch reporter is all "facts" this and "history" that and throws a complex question at Tucker, who's brain is secretly all fucked up from his accident. I hope he answers with shouted words like "FARTY PRAWNS!" but, alas, we cut away before the Spectacle de Tourette's.

"MARACA JISM!"

Victoria's House.
I think this show, in liquid form, is what that doctor was injecting Michael Jackson with. Asshole Victor arrives bearing bribes for his muck-brained daughter Victoria, whose life he's screwed up yet again by hiring a hooker to set her husband Billy up and lose custody of his child with Chloe. Victoria, mighty Mensa member that she is, happily accepts the bribes. It's smart to trust the man who had you arrested on your wedding day. No harm can come from doing so.

Jimmy's Bar.
This place looks like the inside of an infected tooth. Billy, popping in for a little rum-based refueling, discovers Cane is the new bartender at his favorite dive and utters the ultimate words of self-immolation: "This can't possibly get any worse." It's like begging God to punch you squarely in the balls. So, let's see if a piano falls on Billy or something. Good times! Anyway, Cane mocks Billy's alcoholic downward spiral and tells him to stop being shady and man the fuck up and deal with his troubles head on. The Irony Van pulls up and two guys jump out with balloons and an oversized check for Cane. Something about a new world record?

Victoria's House.
Victor's buttering Victoria up for something, with his stupid craggy raw meat face. Oh, Jesus, he just actually pet her head like a fucking poodle. He's subtly telling her he hates Billy like a herpes sore on a dick tip.

Roll over! Play dead! Good girl, gooooood girl...

Fenmore's Boutique.
That reporter bitch Christina is just going after Tucker relentlessly and he pretty much only hears it in backwards Chinese thanks to being run over by a spoiled drunk heiress. So he defers to Ashley, which is the very first Smart Move anyone's made on this show in recent memory. Granted, my brain's only marginally more reliable than Tucker's, but hey. Ashley name-drops the http://www.shopjabot.com/ URL and whaddaya know, it's an actual website. Weird... But then Christina McNosey, Cunty Reporter, totally narcs on Tucker and Ashley's quickie marriage. Surprised faces for everybody! Except Abby, who needs a pee badly.

Jimmy's Bar.
Billy and Cane run down a list of each other's flaws but end up learning they have more in common than they thought. Especially the skill set of "home wrecking". Everyone has a talent...

Victoria's House.
Victoria was so pissed at Victor she sued him for a half billion dollars. She now thinks that same man, who prizes "winning" and "money" over everything else, is going to be her non-judgmental therapist.  He's working her, slowly, posing as the father who knows best. Asshole.

Asshole.

Fenmore's Boutique.
Tucker confirms their marriage to the press. Christina reminds everyone that Abby was running her mouth about how much she hated Tucker and didn't want her mother to marry him and Abby stammers some bullshit story. Who cares. Moving on.

Victoria's House.
Aww, geez, not this noise. Victoria's not gonna wake up to her dad's manipulations and he's not gonna stop playing her for the fool she is, so let's mosey along.

Jimmy's Bar.
Billy spills the beans about Victoria to his comrade in schmuckery, Cane. Cane returns the non-favor by blathering about how him convincing his wife Lily that she could see dead people was actually a good thing for her but nobody understands.

Fenmore's Boutique.
I'd rather have my left testicle nailed to a rotting tree stump than write one more syllable about this blecch.
Sofia tells Tucker his mom Katherine canned her ass and he re-hires her. Victor arrives to spar with Jack. There, I saved you four minutes of your life that you can devote to something more entertaining, like reading page twenty of the phone book aloud.

Victoria's House.
Victoria asks nobody what Billy is doing. then she leaves.

Jimmy's Bar.
For some reason Cane's now picking a fight with Billy. Then he's laying out like nineteen Tequila shots for free, daring Billy to drink them. That's like daring Billy to breathe, or urinate. Challenge accepted! Billy makes himself comfy and gets to work on the difficult task of getting plowed.

Bottom's up!

Fenmore's Boutique.
FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK MAKE THIS STOP WHY IS THERE NO GOD Victoria rallies the troops of Billy loyalists - Jill, Ashley, and Jack - and asks for their help.

Gloworm.
Abby's ignoring her cell phone.

Fenmore's Boutique.
Tucker tells Katherine to get her wrinkled old ass out of his CEO chair.  Victoria's planning an intervention and wants Billy's Loyalists to help.

Car Wreck.
Whoops! Too late! Billy's passed out and bloody behind the wheel, napping on an airbag. Pleasant dreams, child trafficker!

Ready to teach driving classes.