Diane's Suite.
Jack's so confused because he loves his son and doesn't know his ex-not-wife is about to ship the boy - postage and karma due - to Europe. Kyle's off for some involuntary adventures in Switzerland specifically, and the little lad doesn't even speak Switzerly!
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| "Wait, where am I going..?" |
Phyllis and Nick gloat over the pain they're causing Sharon. I think they're both even sexually aroused by it. Then Sam a-saunters in asking about whether they believe if Adam is a-sittin' on evidence that could help Sharon.
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam dangles Sharon's gumball machine engagement ring from a fishing pole right in front of her face and all Jiggles can manage to muster is, "Ooooh! We's must haaasssss the preciousssss..." Adam waves it slowly, slowly, back and forth, back and forth, mesmerizing Sharon with its such shiny shininess. She forgets that she's even in prison because, pretty!
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| One idiot, to rule them all. |
Neil meets with Katherine, who's bitching about Sophia. Sophia shows up to counter-bitch about Katherine undermining her every move at McCall Unlimited. Viewers are then treated to the textbook definition of an "awkward pause".
 |
| Let the Awkward Pause Game begin! |
Ashley's still pressing Tucker to spill the beans about his long-lost son. Tucker claims not to know anything about the kid, but given his fucked up brain he might think he's talking about any number of things. The brain-damaged are not the most reliable source of information, Ashley. You should know that, because you are not the most reliable source of information.
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sharon tells Adam about the DA's deal offer, which was the exact worst move she could make. So, par for the course. Adam tells her to take the deal - is it remorse over destroying the memory card, or does he have something else up his sleeve? Every single person has told Sharon to take the fucking deal, including the guy it will screw over. Of course, she now has no idea what to do. That poor hamster running around that wheel in her head must be exhausted from powering her brain for this long!
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| Shh...if you listen really closely, you can hear the squeak of the hamster wheel in there. |
Diane's Suite.
Jack invites Kyle for a super-cool night of BBQ ribs and movies. Diane digs her claws into Kyle's shoulders and he turns his father down. When Kyle leaves, Jack tells Diane he hates her guts and she's like, ditto. Jack hits the road.
Tucker's "pad".
Tucker reveals he has no idea who the mother of his kid is. What, did you fuck her through a hole in a sheet or something? Did you hump her blindfolded during a midnight power outage? I can't imagine any explanation that doesn't drip with sleaze. But Ashley's gonna stand by her man. Her disgusting, scummy man.
Gloworm.
Ha! Katherine lost the Awkward Pause game and has left the table. Sophia can't believe what the wrinkled old harridan's been doing to Tucker's company, which is basically to take a chainsaw to random parts of it and see what happens. Neil tells her to deal with it. Katherine returns to the table, refreshed from taking a poop or something. She tries to pull the wool over Sophia's eyes about not really meaning to fuck up Sophia's career and how it was all just a silly little accident, and Sophia excuses herself to go outside and key Katherine's car.
Restless Style.
Sam says he knows Nick and Phyllis make their living tearing apart the woman he loves whose name he occasionally forgets and they're like, "Yep! That's exactly what we do!" Sam gets an earful about how truly twisted Adam is.
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam's still proposing to jailbird Sharon. Blah blah roll up your sleeves and go get that memory card if you really love her, asshole. Oh, and then Sharon agrees to marry him. The other exact wrong thing to do. And she says she won't turn state's evidence against him either, so, trifecta of wrong. Adam leaves, and Sharon calls her only ally, Sam, to please come see her so she can crush his soul to a fine pulp.
Adam's Suite.
Nick and Phyllis break in to steal shit from Adam. You know, committing a ton of crimes to prove Adam is guilty of ... committing a ton of crimes. They flirt, too, and isn't getting aroused by criminal acts sort of a symptom of being psychopathic or sociopathic or something like that?
 |
| "Let's rob a soup kitchen next." |
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sam's arrived for his nut-crushing. Sharon delivers. Aren't ya glad you took her in, Sam? Thought so.
Tucker's "pad".
Now Tucker's thinking he's a shitty parent like his mother Katherine, which, yes. Yes you are. Of course you are. Worse even, because at least she could pick your father out of a fucking line up. Sophia barges in and crankily demands to know when Tucker plans to toss Katherine out the airlock already. So he's an awful son, too.
Gloworm.
Jack and Katherine sit scheming to take advantage of Tucker's fucked up brain. So, awful mother and brother-in-law too. They make the Addams' Family look like the Brady Bunch. Oh, and Katherine refers to those gnarled claws dangling from her wrists as "hands" and I laughed and laughed.
Diane's Suite.
Operation Destroy Kyle's Innocence proceeds apace. She's on the phone with Adam, angry that her son had to lie to his father. Adam does not give a shit.
Tucker's "pad".
Sophia's trying to explain a chart to Tucker and I'm pretty sure he thinks he's at a Mets-Cubs game. He levels with Sophia: his brain's all fucked up, he can't grasp complex math, and if pitcher Jeff Samardzija doesn't get his head in the game then maybe Jim Hendry should pull him before the bottom of the seventh.
 |
| Aw geez, did Castillo really drop that popup? Christ... |
Restless Style.
Fresh from committing a litany of crimes and misdemeanors, Nick and Phyllis return to the office to blah blah Adam.
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Sam has no fucking idea why Sharon would want to marry Adam. Adam eavesdrops from outside as Sam professes his own love for Sharon. Sam bumps into Adam outside the visiting room and Adam rubs salt in the wound Sharon just created. They do make a good team, don't they?
Airport Waiting Area.
Diane's coaching her offspring on how to lie to everyone he meets and pretend to be someone he isn't and I guess it's Bad Parenting Day but they forgot to put it on my calendar. Kyle goes to board his flight. This was actually a well-played scene! I'd forgotten what those looked like.
Restless Style.
Nick and Phyllis fuck.
Crimson Lights.
Sam sits daydreaming about that time he fucked Sharon. Then he starts writing a letter to her. Or maybe it's to Penthouse? Either way: Small words, Sam. Small words.
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam arrives with a rose and a Chaplain. The wedding begins.
Gloworm.
Neil and Katherine blah blah tax offsets blah blah Tucker's holding something back about his recovery. Katherine vows to protect Tucker even if it means totally taking him down at the knees. Which, what?
Tucker's "pad".
Sophia's vowing loyalty to Tucker. The lines are drawn: two middle-aged dudes and a feeble octogenarian versus two crazy bitches and a guy with a bruised brain. This should be interesting, in the 'rubber-necking a car accident' sense of the word.
Restless Style.
Nick and Phyllis fuck. Diane walks in, sees them, and twitches. Yeah, makes us sick too, Diane. Garbage pail's over there.
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| I made the same face when I saw it. |
Sam's on the phone with Piper. He's coming home. Bye, Sharon's last chance!
Jailhouse Visitor's Room.
Adam blah blah vows Sharon blah blah vows, Sharon says her "I do" and Adam says "Actually? Fuck this shit.". SNAP!
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