Episode: July 26 2011

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
People who aren't complete idiots are here and so is Sharon. One of the many things Sharon does slowly is realize Adam's a fucking psychopath who set her up with his wedding proposal just to crush her by turning her down during the vows. Ever wonder how you made Sam feel, Sharon? Wait - you didn't? Well, nonetheless - a tasty little life lesson for ya. Bon apetit!

Why do all life lessons leave a bitter aftertaste?

Victoria's House.
Michael Baldwin is here as Victoria lets in Abby. Victoria offers Abby a job at Newman, and Abby can't fucking believe someone would even suggest that she work like one of the poors or something. The job title is "Attention Whore", though, so suddenly Abby's eyes light up as much as totally soulless eyes do these days. Anyway, Michael face-palms.

I call my next brilliant idea "the square wheel".

Crimson Lights.
Kevin's actually working behind the counter as he and Chloe talk date night plans. Blah blah Billy blah blah Delia supervised visits blah moving on.

Plywood Forest.
Billy strolls the bridge phoning in bad bets to his bookie and generally brooding. Delia suddenly appears and he hugs her and is this an alcohol-withdrawal delusion? Is he actually hugging a fire hydrant or something?

Oh, my sweet, cold, metallic baby!

Restless Style.
Anyway. Nick and Phyllis continue to humpity on the conference table as poor Diane stands afar, unable to peel her horrified gaze from this conjugal tragedy. Finally, she storms in and fucking hurls Phyllis to the floor, apparently to please every single viewer out there who has wanted to see Phyllis hurled into one thing or another over the years. Good job show, I feel better already. Nick breaks up the cat fight. What a dick he is.

Floorward ho!

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Sharon says she still doesn't understand, boosting her chances to win a daytime Emmy in the category of "Outstanding Performance by a Moron". Adam uses small, loud words to explain that he's precision-pain dumping her.

Victoria's House.
Eager to once again make a public fool of herself, Abby waves off Michael's sound and wise objections, and schemes with Victoria to convince Victor to go along with their plan. Tell him that many innocent lives will be completely ruined if he agrees. He'll jump at the chance!

Plywood Forest.
Billy's still with hydrant/Delia, we're not sure which it is yet. Okay, I think it's really Delia because he's freely cradling her in his arms, which is tough to do with a hydrant. She toddled away from the party Chloe left her at, which, what blind person is chaperoning that little shindig?

Crimson Lights.
Oh, her name is Vanessa. I feel sorry for the stupid. Kevin Chloe blah blah phone rings the blind Vanessa calls Chloe to tell her she's misplaced Chloe's ill-begotten yet adorable offspring. Ooops! I bet Billy will be blamed for kidnapping her in just a second, folks. Let's cut back to the cat fight in the meantime, shall we? Agreed.

Restless Style.
Phyllis is spoiling to go all Planet of the Apes on Diane but like I said, Nick's a dick, so no fun. Diane lets it drop that Nick fucked her and demands he tell Phyllis about it. So he does, but looks a little nauseous. Out of nowhere Phyllis declares herself the winner of everything, ever. Diane says I hate you to Nick, Phyllis, and the potted plant before storming out. Yes, that was an actual scene deemed fit for all the airwaves.

WINNING!

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Adam pretty much admits he destroyed Sharon's exonerating evidence, and Sharon unloads on him with extreme prejudice. He's a fraud, a freak, a weak, a liar, a monster. Adam doesn't seem to care terribly much.

Victoria's House.
Michael objects to using Abby for anything other than a doorstop, a marital aid, or a wooden post with a him-sized penis hole in it. He's called away, leaving the two psycho girls to decide how to redefine 'harebrained'.

Plywood Forest.
Chloe and Kevin find Delia with Billy. Kevin takes Delia back to the party, so Chloe can - yep, accuse him of kidnapping. Billy sputters a non-defense that not even I believe and I saw frikkin' him do exactly what he says he did, like, two minutes ago.

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Adam leaves Sharon to rot.

Plywood Forest.
Chloe and Billy blah bicker blah. Victoria and Abby just happen to run into Chloe and Billy on the same bridge where Billy just happened to run into his tiny wandering daughter.Victoria and Abby urge Chloe to keep her yap shut. Blah.

Restless Style.
I'm bored. Phyllis isn't thrown bodily to the floor as she yammers to Michael on the phone that Diane smacked her around, and Michael totally hates her. For not being thrown to the floor, which I totally agree with. A lot of hate in this show.

Gloworm.
A feisty Diane doesn't throw Nick bodily to the floor as he asks "What in the fuck?"
Adam sleazes in, drink already in hand, secretly perving on the conversation. Both hands in view at all times, Adam. And keep 'em above the waist. Your waist...

Plywood Forest.
Oh for the love of fuck.

Gloworm.
Adam moves in as Nick demands an answer from Diane. She refuses to tell him why she wants to say goodbye (HINT: She's going away! Wow, you scion of private education!).  Adam basks - BASKS! - in Nick's angst. Approaches dumb Diane. Tells her that if everything goes as planned, she'll never have to worry about Nick again. He's going to murder you, Diane. Just FYI.

Plywood Forest.
Blah blah Billy's a gambling drunkard blah Victoria blah Delia.

Crimson Lights.
Abby meets that bitch reporter and brags about her possibly going pro with her Attention Whoring.

Gloworm.
Adam runs down the plan to frame Victor while Diane listens impatiently. Diane tries to leave when Michael walks in but, busted. She's all "sociable" and joins him for a drink. He lays a restraining order on her courtesy Phyllis. Diane insists she's calm.

Calm.

Restless Style.
Phyllis blah blah pissed Nick blah blah flirt.

Crimson Lights.
Abby plots with the reporter to totally humiliate herself in public. Kevin and Chloe put Delia to sleep in some shitty booth and blah blah Billy.

Plywood Forest.
Blah blah Billy's heartless blah blah Victoria doesn't get it.

Restless Style.
Phyllis blah blah no kissing Nick blah Diane.

Gloworm.
Diane restraining order blah Adam rejoins her when Mike leaves.

Jailhouse Visiting Room.
Sharon weeps over her plight when who should arrive with a kind hand on her shoulder? The guy who framed her in the first place, ol' Victor Newman! She hugs him so, WTF.