Episode: July 19 2011

Here we go:

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's kinda cranky about his recently fucked up brain, which isn't such a secret anymore what with the way he screwed up his answers to the bitch reporter. Ashley's all supportive and sweet and eyeballing the trinkets in Tucker's "pad" and wondering how much she could get for them if Tucker croaked. You can see her doing the basic math in her head and the number's kinda big enough to keep her here.

"I wonder how much I could get for this pipe cleaner thingy..."

Gloworm.
Bartender Deacon tries to befriend miserable heiress Abby and she coldly reminds him that he is a dirty stinking peasant and the only reason she allows the government to keep public schools open for his kind is so that they know how to read the orders her hungover ass dictates every day to her illegal Dominican assistant. Something like that.

"You're one of the POORS!"

Fenmore's Boutique.
The launch party that died at birth still somehow limps along, an undead little unholy event thing kept animated by the darkest forms of necromancy. Here's Diane with Kyle, who's in his little league outfit and he's bragging about how great of a player he is, which, yuck. Jack fawns over his son and then Victor saunters over pretending he gives a shit about Kyle. Jack and Victor take turns bribing the kid with extravagant gifts, which, yuckier.

"I hate to brag, but..."

Crimson Lights.
Victoria and Chloe go at each other. Not in the interesting, sexually experimental playful kittens way, but in the boring, talky-talky way. Victoria lays a guilt trip on Chloe for taking Delia away and Chloe tells her she's an ignorant ass and to back the fuck off. Chloe wins that one.

Hospital.
Billy's laid out unconscious in his hospital bed. A cop is going through his cell phone trying to find a family member who gives enough of a shit about Billy to answer their damned phone when they see his number pop up. Maybe if you check out that crime scene of a launch party, officer?

"Maybe if I try this 'baby broker' number..?"

Fenmore's Boutique.
Sweet merciful crap, the party's over. Jill and Jack pat themselves on the back for such a swell shindig, then fret over Billy. Jack's phone rings - its the policeman at the hospital. He tells Jack that Billy's a crumpled ball of booze fumes and shattered dreams, and wouldn't it be fun to visit him?

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker and Ashley are talking about Abby and I think Tucker's about to trash talk the kid when Ashley's phone rings. It's Jack, calling to ruin her day with news about Billy.

Gloworm.
Diane takes a table, talking to herself about how glad she is the day is over. Abby mocks Diane for being one of the poors, Diane counter-mocks by calling Abby classless. Diane's about to clock Abby senseless - long overdue - when Deacon ruins everything by being all "nice" and "noble" and stopping the fight. Porn-stached jerk.

Hospital.
Jack. Also Ashley and Jill. Gleefully irritate the staff in the hallway with stupid questions. Billy's not badly hurt at all, which is pretty boring. A cop waits for a blood test, to prove Billy's a drunk driving maniac.

Billy's Room.
He's awake and cranky. So am I, but he certainly gets paid a wee bit more. Old Jill, ol' Ashley and darlin' aged Jack enter.To be big pains in the ass, and to the accident victim.

Crimson Lights.
Chloe and Victoria keep going at it. Victoria blows Chloe off for a phone call from Jack, telling her Billy's been in an accident. After bitching each other out, Chloe asks Victoria to call her with info and Victoria agrees. I thought you guys hated each other?

Gloworm.
Victor's looking for Abby but runs into Diane instead. He vows to teach her some manners, which I suppose includes classes on "Poison Your Granddaughter Until She's Retarded!" and "Way Advanced Paying Off Dirty Whores".

"I shall also teach you 'Framing Family For Murder'."

Tucker's "pad".
Abby's stopped by to say hey to Tucker, you know, shoot the breeze, maybe confess to trying to smash him to death with a car in general, basically just hang out. Tucker, oddly, isn't cool with the news. Golly maw, what a tightass. Tucker asks Abby if she really wanted to run him down on purpose. Garsh! Drama!

Hospital.
Jill, Ashley and Jack continue to harangue BIlly boy. Billy claims he wasn't drinking. The trio are a wee bit skeptical.

Jimmy's Shithole.
Chloe's making fun of poor working stiff Cane. Ha ha! You do manual things for a living! Cane backs up Billy's story about being sober behind the wheel. Let's move on to the Abby/Tucker confrontation, that looks like its got some energy to it.

Tucker's "pad".
Abby's stammering about not knowing if she wanted to turn Tucker into a stain on the highway. Tucker's buying that shit. Abby lets it slip that she tricked him into meeting Diane that night she hit him so it would look like he was cheating on her mom. Tucker's even less cool with that. Abby leaves, a flustered mess.

Gloworm.
Deacon watches Victor rip into Diane and then leave. He and Diane commiserate about what an asshole Victor and his family is. Deacon tells Diane it was Abby who almost killed Tucker and Diane's ears perk up and her antennae twitch.

Jimmy's Shithole.
Cane and Chloe are both calling each other evil assholes and they're both right.

Hospital.
The trio are outside Billy's room assuming he was drunk driving and planning to take complete control of his life for him. How kind. Victoria arrives to visit Billy.

Billy's Room.
Victoria comes in and Billy's been doped up on pain killers so she decides it's the perfect time for a heart-to-heart conversation even though he's unconscious. He can't hear you, ya dummy.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker tells Ashley that Abby confessed to turning him into a hood ornament and he knew it all along.

The Ranch.
Abby's come calling on daddy Victor. He can't believe she blabbed to Tucker, and then he remembers she's a total fucking idiot.

You...you forgot this one was an idiot..?

Gloworm.
Diane's eating up the gossip about Abby with a spoon. The two-person brain trust deduces that it was Victor who masterminded the cover-up of Abby's guilt. Took 'em long enough.

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's laying naked in bed and, oh, no. No please. Ashley hops into bed next to him. He puts a ring on her finger and she vows to wear it forever so this marriage is totally doomed.

Hubba blubba!

The Ranch.
Abby's thanking Victor for locking her away in rehab and they hug.

Gloworm.
Diane and Deacon form a pact to fuck over Tucker and Victor. With no resources or strategic ability between the two of them, I'm sure that will work out just swell.

"Together, we make one good brain!"

Jimmy's Shithole.
Cane Chloe blah blah Chloe leaves.

Hospital.
The blood test confirms Billy was sober. So he's just a shitty driver I guess.

Billy's room.
Victoria keeps blathering to unconscious Billy. She's pulling a Gingrich and ditching him while he lays suffering in a hospital bed. She exits. Billy's eyes pop open - he's been playing her the whole time. So basically he was lying to her. Asshole.