Episode: July 12 2011

Gloworm.
Rafe, the gay lawyer who helped Billy illegally purchase an actual human being baby, asks Billy's bitter bride Victoria where her hubby is at. Maybe if you offer to sell him a couple of toddlers or something he'd call you back, Rafe. Victoria is clueless, which is only the first of many times I'll be typing that sentence.

Nope. Not a clue.

Crimson Lights.
The Chancellor estate's resident step-n'-fetch-it, Esther, wheels her daughter Chloe's baby Delia out the door, Chloe, who's decided to make herself less nervous by surrounding herself with thousands of highly-caffeinated products, turns to emotionally damaged boyfriend Kevin for ... emotional support. Good choice, because your mom's just too damned stable to be useful right now. Turn to the guy who once strapped on a f*cking chipmunk head and ran wild through the streets with a gun instead. Chloe's off to court to get sole custody of her and her ex Billy's daughter, because for some odd reason she doesn't want a man who traffics in human infants near her child. Go figure that one out.

Billy's trailer.
The decor is "upturned dumpster" - tres chic! - and Billy's passed way the hell out in a pile of beer cans and racing forms. Rafe's call goes unanswered. You'd get Billy moving much faster if you dangled a toddler on a fishing line in front of him and tied a price tag to its toe.

Billy prepares for his custody battle.

Crimson Lights.

Son-of-a-jailbird Noah is all angsty with his ex-girlfriend Eden. Angst, angst, angst. Blah blah. Let's watch something interesting instead. Bye Noah and Eden!

Genoa City Police Department.
Sharon and Sam's heartfelt reunion is interrupted by Victor Newman, and stupid Sharon apologizes to him for - for what, again? For him setting her up for f*king murder and having her thrown into prison? I don't think Sharon understands how this whole 'apology' thing is supposed to work. Victor asks who Sam is, because everything is his goddamned business. YAGOTTHAT?!

Adam's Suite.
Adam enters angrily, has a sappy flashback, then stares at a trippy screen saver until there's a knock at the door. It's the unhappy hooker herself, Adam's ex-stepmother Diane Jenkins. He growls at her.

Oooooooohhhhh...

Billy's Trailer.
Hungover Billy's awake and dressing for his custody battle when Victoria shows up. She offers him moral support, I suppose as a 'thank you' for giving her a baby that he bought at a f*cking miniature golf course.

Adam's Suite.
Diane enters the suite asking about Sharon. Adam opens his mouth and a pound and a half of sour grapes fall out. This is Sharon we're talking about, her purty lil' knees haven't been together since 1984, and we're all surprised she was taking the vet out for a ride? Come on, Adam. You gave her an urn of ashes and told her it was her daughter and she still slept with you, for Christ's sakes. Adam uses Diane as an emotional punching bag for a few seconds, then gives the old ho the old heave-ho.

Outside Adam's suite.
A well-flustered Diane calls her sex kitten lawyer Leslie - she wants to turn state's evidence against Adam. Diane, who the DA has already decided lacks credibility. Sure you've thought this through, Diane?

Genoa City Police Department.
Sharon introduces Sam to Victor. She calls Victor her "friend", so if you've never had reason to doubt her sanity before here ya go. The cops come and haul Sharon off. Victor decides to interrogate Sam for sh*ts and giggles.

"This is clearly about me."

Courtroom.
Chloe and Billy's custody battle begins. Billy shows up totally late and the judge is pissed off. Chloe twitches. did we need this scene? No. No, we did not. Moving on.

Crimson Lights.
Kevin and Eden chat. Kevin noses into her business and she shuts him down. Moving on.

Plywood Forest.
Huh - Leslie was just at the courthouse with Sharon and now she's way out in Plywood Forest with the DA and Diane. Somebody's got to draw me a map of Genoa City. On a Moebius strip so it makes sense. Anyway, she wants to turn state's evidence and that darn stickler DA wants something more reliable than the word of a capricious two-timing old whore.

Genoa City Police Department.
Victor accuses Sam of trying to get to his money, thus making yet another thing all about him that isn't. Sam stands up to the tyrant, explaining how he helped Sharon move on with her life. He walks away to take a call leaving Victor and his sagging face to ponder.

Gloworm.
Adam drowning his sorrows in a tasty beverage when Sharon calls from the clink. She begs him to come see her. He growls a maybe.

Genoa City Police Department.
Noah finally shows up to hug his mama. Aww.

Courtroom.
Chloe on the stand, painting herself as the all holy second coming of Christ and Billy as a stinking shambling sh*tpile. So she's half right.

Plywood Forest.
Aimlessly wandering Victoria finds Esther and Delia crossing the bridge. The kid calls Victoria 'daddy', which is hilarious because, you know, trace signs of a mustache in the wrong lighting.

"Are YOU my moustachioed Daddy!?"

Jail visiting room.
Sharon guilts Noah to forgive her and it works. Good mothering, Sharon.

Courtroom.
Chloe shouldn't have positioned herself as the faultless Christ because now Rafe's just crucifying her on the stand. Hammer away, Rafe!

Alcoholic Billy takes the stand and probably sees two bailiffs swearing him in. It's his turn to paint himself as a saint. Good f*cking luck, ya moonshine swilling baby-buyer!

Plywood Forest.
Diane squeals about Adam's machinations and offers the name of the guy Adam paid to video her in the ambulance and claim it was a dead Victor in there.

Genoa City Police Department.
A crumpled Adam enters. Victor gets up in his face and Adam returns the gesture. Two hypocrites calling each other hypocrites.

Jail visiting room.
It's like a bus terminal with all the people casually to-ing and fro-ing. Now it's Sam in with Sharon and he's rightly curious about what in the f*ck is wrong with her head. It's a long list, Sam. Get comfortable.

Sam leaves and is replaced by Adam. He's more understanding - until Sharon lets it drop that she ran from him at the Redneck Festival.

Crimson Lights.
Noah and Eden blah blah blah mundane chatter moving on.

Courtroom.
Rafe does his best to position Billy as something approaching human. Chloe's lawyer then promptly reduces Billy to a gibbering Neanderthal. Which doesn't take much effort.

Gloworm.
Leslie tells Diane the DA will be playing ball, but the FEC won't and have decided to crush her with a huge fine. Fate, like everyone else, does not like this Diane woman so much.

Crimson Lights.
This Noah/Eden thing is a car wreck of a crapfest of a storyline. Moving on.

Jail visiting room.
Adam lies about there not being evidence to exonerate Sharon. Moving on.

Genoa City Police Department.
Victor tries to cock-block Adam by convincing Sam to stay in Genoa City. Moving on.

Courtroom.
A smoldering crater where the tattered shreds of Billy's reputation used to be. It's looking bad for the soused louse - until Victoria enters to testify on his behalf. You can count the number of women with spines in this city on one hand that's missing a few fingers.