Well, Sharon's arrest brought the inbred hee-haw hoe-down to a screeching halt, which is probably best for everyone since it was - you know, a f*cking hoe-down. Some little girl shrieks uncontrollably for a few minutes which, thanks a bunch, dumb show. Sharon's led away, leaving Sam humiliated for the second time in front of all his neighbors, who live in a small town and have nothing better to do than destroy each other with gossip. So, fun was had by all.
Restless Style.
Nick the d*ck is setting another woman up for heartbreak but then again, gals are only worth, like, half of a real person, right Nick? He's humpin' all up and down on Phyllis when both their phones ring. Nick gets a constipated look on his face when he takes his call. Drama!
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| Push, Nick! PUSH! |
Gotta give Nick points for efficiency: while he's setting Phyllis up for heartbreak over at the magazine, he's got Ashley setting herself up for heartache babysitting his daughter Faith, who he tore from her arms after she was tricked into thinking the child was hers. Noah enters and the only remarkable thing about him is that it looks like a comb got somewhere near his hair. Sharon's face suddenly appears in a news flash on the coffee house tee-vee. Hmm...
Jabot Cosmetics.
Smilin' Jack's not too thrilled to see old bastard Victor come strolling in to his office. The two trade barbs, Jack's computer bloops at him, and his jaw drops.
Adam's Suite.
Well, something's finally gone right for Victor's underhanded little offspring: he's finally discovered the exonerating video for Sharon just as his own computer bloops him the news of her not-death. Doesn't excuse that haircut of his, which is three degrees away from a "Cosmo Kramer".
Adam's on the horn to sexpot attorney Leslie, insisting she locate Sharon. We get "treated" to some sappy flashback of him and Sharon being all romantic, and I sharpen up on my TV show fast-forwarding skills.
Restless Style.
Nick the d*ck and Phyllis have gone, like, twelve seconds without dry-humping, so good for them! Somewhere the Devil is buying snow shoes. "Something really awful must have happened to Sharon" for her to live off the grid, Nick opines. Yeah, you stupid f*ck, how about her murder conviction? Not awful enough? Phyllis wastes no time insulting Sharon. Such a surprise!
Crimson Lights.
Noah worries about his mom being thrown back in the slammer. Ashley - of all people, this f*cking loon, this poster girl for mental breakdowns - counsels the poor naive kid. It's like Charles Manson giving anger management classes or Sonny Bono giving skiing lessons. Walk away, Noah!
Jabot Cosmetics.
Jack and Victor continue their bickering, making Sharon's near-miraculous return from the "dead" all about them instead of her. Gentlemen to the last! Michael calls - Sharon's on her way back to Genoa City. Victor and his sagging jowls leave the premises.
Newman Enterprises.
Michael and Victor try to figure out how to help Sharon, since Victor's the one who set her up in the first place. Michael does what Victor loves most, which is to make the suffering of Victor's poor victims all about Victor.
Crimson Lights.
Good news, bad news. Good news: Noah walked away from Ashley's lemonade stand therapy session. Just like I urged! But bad news: he's decided to sit down with his dad, Nick the d*ck. Lots of wallowing, let's move on.
Genoa City Police Department.
These f*cking clowns. These dinner theater-level impersonators of the Keystone Kops. Just Christ. Okay. So Phyllis is trying to milk the dumbass DA for details on Sharon. Since the answer would involve facts, which the DA is as fond of as Dracula is garlic bread, he tells her to f*ck right off. She turns around to do just that when Sharon gets perp-walked through the door.
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| Perp walk. |
Phyllis runs into Adam outside. She's making up all sorts of fictional sensationalistic stories about Adam, which considering she's a typical journalist is pretty much par for the course.
Newman Enterprises.
Mike and Victor talk about how Sharon's bad press could affect Victor. They decide they're not going to help Sharon at all. Even though they are the ones who screwed her over in the first place. Class act, guys.
Gloworm.
Ashley continues to bond with 'her' baby Faith while her brother Jack watches on over lunch. His mind's on Sharon, unlike when he was actually married to her. He lays the blame for Sharon's situation on Victor's doorstep, which is where it belongs and which is totally pointless and will come to nothing.
Genoa City Police Department.
Sexy lawyer Leslie has arrived to cover Sharon's ass but Sharon's an idiot so she decides to talk to the DA. She lies and says nobody helped her to escape. Leslie manages to shut Sharon up long enough for the DA to let them know he's totally going to ruin her life. Escape, Sharon! It worked so well the first time!
Out in the hall, Adam and Phyllis keep going at each other. Adam tells Phyllis he's bored with her, echoing the sentiments of every viewer on Earth. Nick shows up acting like a d*ck. He sends Phyllis off (to play tiddlywinks with her fellow succubi, I guess).
Adam and Nick enter the booking room and see Sharon. Nick, forgetting he threw Sharon under the bus, pulled her out and then threw her back under, looks on with constipated concern.
Crimson Lights.
Go home, Noah. No, wait, Phyllis just showed up. Let that bulemic witch pry into your little mind and turn you against your jailbird mom. That's a better choice. Good job.
Genoa City Police Department.
The DA huffs and puffs at Adam before Leslie interrupts him and reminds him he actually has to work for a living. The two lawyers go off to talk about procedural this and evidence that. Blah blah. Sharon fills Nick and Adam in on her recent history. Nick comes down on her, what a d*ck, and Adam intervenes. Aw. Then Nick throws Sharon under the bus. D*ck.
Gloworm.
Nick calls Ashley to make sure she's bonding with the baby that he will soon gleefully tear from her loving arms, the d*ck.
Newman Enterprises.
Where Nick is calling from. He ends his call and joins Michael and Victor in the board room. Michael, being a sharp legal mind, urges both Newman "men" to just goddamn keep their distance from Sharon and they promptly promise pretty much not to. Michael leaves. Good move, Michael. Nick wastes no time bad-mouthing Sharon, the d*ck. Victor defends Sharon. Just as long as he doesn't actually have to help her, he's totally cool with it.
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| "I am the great Victor Newman, and I assure you that it is YOU who are standing at an odd angle. Not I." |
Sharon can't believe Adam doesn't hate her. Blah blah romantic crapititude. Adam calls her 'smart', which means I can never trust his judgment again. Sam enters. He lets it drop that he's been kinda banging Adam's soul mate. Adam? Not thrilled.
 |
| Oh. The joy. |
The holier-than-Sharon babble begins, especially with Ashley, who says Sharon's a terrible mom. Ashley, whose daughter rides around town, naked, on a horse. Ashley. Lecturing. On good parenting.
Crimson Lights.
Go home, Noah. you've been here forever. Wait, he's booking a flight to JFK! Because after becoming infuriated at your mom for running away from her problems, you've decided the best thing to do is ... run away from your problems. He turns to find his ex, Eden, shaking her head at him and his pussy move. Hah!
Restless Style.
Back at the Humpitorium, Phyllis is eagerly making shit up and writing it down in an article as if it were real. She's got this 'journalism' thing down pat at least. Nick walks in and, believe it or not, acts like a total d*ck. Such twists and turns!
Genoa City Police Department.
Adam's diva'd his way out leaving Sam with Sharon. Sam's consoling Sharon but Victor's arrived and there'll be none of that!
Plywood Forest.
Adam's standing on the bridge moping. Then he tosses the memory card that could exonerate Sharon into the water. Plop!
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| Plop goes the evidence |
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