Episode: July 28 2011

Backstage at "The Talk".
Apparently this is a real-life shitty talk show that knocks off "The View", only with a whole other set of cackling harpies sitting around blabbering. Katherine calls Jack and Lauren from Genoa City to tell them her son Tucker claims his brain is un-fucked up enough for him to take his company back from Katherine. She plans to put him to the test, which I hope involves both of them in a combination boxing match/wet T-shirt competition. Cross your fingers, you lucky viewers!

"Woo woooo!!! All aboard the pain train!"

Tucker's "pad".
A smartly pant-suited Ashley plots with Tucker and Sofia to take back McCall Unlimited from that mean old hag Katherine. He's planning to go on-camera to publicly prove to the world his brain isn't secretly fucked up, which it secretly totally is. He couldn't handle himself in a little chat with Jack, and he thinks he can swing a national announcement with ease? Oh brother. This is the part where the captain of the Titanic said, "What harm could a little ice in the water do?" Nearer My God To Thee, Tucker.

"The Talk".
Show time. Some black chick and that one actress from the King of Queens introduce Lauren and Jack, who get a fucking standing ovation. Is this like one of those Oprah audiences on this show? Will they standing O some wharf worker paper-wrapping a carp? Anyway, the black chick immediately starts in on Jack about Abby's new Chief Executive Attention Whore position with the competition at Newman Enterprises. Jack and Lauren deflect attention back to Jabot.

WE FUCKING LOVE CARP-WRAPPING!

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria high-five over hijacking Jack's interview. They sued their father Victor to get independence from him, and now they both work for him and are a-scared of what he'll do when he finds out and what the fuck?

Diane's Suite.
Diane's practically licking her lips as she feeds the incriminating video of Abby into her laptop. She actually cackles ominously. She orders up a mimosa to celebrate.

Adam's Suite.
Victor arrives to deliver a grand jury report, about the day Newman went public and Adam scammed Victor for a ton of cash. Adam leafs through it, calling it a "joke". Victor tells him to enjoy the hilarity of being indicted and walks out.

"The Talk".
Lauren prattles about lip plumper-gloss and the chick from King of Queens might be drunk. I'm keeping an eye on her. The black chick is doing all the heavy lifting with the questions and King of Queens is going "Uhhh..." and accusing Jack's sister of trying to run down Tucker. Another moment to squirm for Jack and Lauren. The harpies go on and on about Ashley and Tucker.

Tucker's "pad".
Speaking of which, Tucker's getting ready for his live broadcast close-up/fuck-up. Outside, Katherine pauses before knocking to have a flashback of a fight with Tucker. Inside, it turns out the Asian cameraman is totally hot. I'm distracted.  Katherine comes in and noses around and demands to know what's going on in a home that isn't even hers.

...and who ordered Sum Hung Yung Gai..?

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria blah blah advertising. Victor arrives to lay down the law with the dimwits.

Adam's Suite.
Adam reads the grand jury report - and gets to the part where Diane turned state's evidence against him. Ha ha! Reap as ye sow, crematorium thief!

Diane's Suite.
Mmmm ... mimosa. Diane's plans to fuck everyone over ever actually seems to be picking up speed. Who woulda thunk the unhappy hooker had something in her besides billionaire cock? Then there's a pounding on the door. She stashes the video behind a pillow and answers to find a furious Adam demanding answers. He's. Going. To. Kill. You. Stupid.

Tucker's "pad".
Hot Asian Camerguy counts down to the live feed.

"The Talk".
Surprise, Jack and Lauren! The black chick and the drunk chick ambush them with Tucker's live feed. He's slick and savvy and outmaneuvers the harpy hosts and Katherine as well - until Jack throws him for a loop by making him use the fucked up part of his brain that has trouble with facts and plans.

Fucked-up Tucker is fucked up.

There's, like, a thirty second pause here so if you watch this episode feel free to make yourself a Hot Pocket or something. Unless you enjoy awkward moments - in which case, pull up a chair and stare. Tucker claims the sattelite feed went out and he missed the question, running out the clock on the interview until it's over. Katherine takes note of his fucked-upedness.

Newman Boardroom.
Victor thinks the girls' plan is actually pretty good.

Diane's Suite.
Diane lets Adam in. Bye Diane! Adam's pissed only he was indicted in the stock scam. He thinks she sold him out, she denies it, he cuts her off at the bank account. The plan to frame Victor for her murder collapses.

Newman Boardroom.
Blah blah family blah. Victoria gets a call from her mom Nikki, who tells her Diane has -

Backstage at "The Talk".
- and we cut to Jack bitching about Tucker's blindsiding him and Lauren. Jack suspects Tucker's brain isn't firing on all cylinders.

Tucker's "pad".
Hot Asian Camerguy's name is Kai and we'll never see him again. Our consolation prize, the wrinkled Katherine, has got a pile of reports to trip up Tucker with and Ashley and Sofia try to run interference, but Katherine's a bitch and insists.

Private Jet.
Jack and Lauren pat each other on the back. Jack worries about Tucker firing him.

Tucker's "pad".
Katherine blah blahs statistics at Tucker, who thinks he's in an Indian restaurant and orders appetizers. She hands him a contract to sign which he does, being careful to leave her a generous tip. She might be suspicious.

Suspicious.

Diane's Suite.
Diane follows Adam out, desperately trying to get her whore-hooks back into his bank account by admitting to her deal with the DA. Adam marches her back behind closed doors, where it will be much easier to murder her if it strikes his fancy. They bicker, he decides not to kill her right there and leaves. Diane's ulcer acts up.

Newman Boardroom.
Ha! Diane is suing Nikki for alienation of affection for fucking Victor while Diane was married to him. Good move, Diane. The Newmans are in chaos.

Private Jet.
Jack and Lauren are getting drunk and talking business. Blah blah blah.

Mediation Meeting.
Tucker concludes his argument to the judge about how his brain is not fucked up. Katherine strolls in.

Adam's Suite.
Is crawling with investigators from the SEC. Life's really shitting down your throat, eh, evidence destroyer?

Newman Boardroom.
Victoria's trying to talk her alcoholic mother off a ledge. It's only on the first floor but Nikki's a little tipsy.

Diane's Suite.
Knock knock! It's Victor and his Arthritic Fists Of Fury to confront Diane about the lawsuit. She shows him the video of Abby's confession and tries to blackmail him. He smashes the camera - but Diane's got copies...