Episode: July 7 2011

SCENE 1:
Gloworm.

Crazy Genevieve casually confronts Colin, the husband she just recently tried to murder. He's looking pretty good for an old polygamist crimelord who was recently dropped thirty feet onto cobblestone. Why oh why can't modern doctors learn something from these advanced soap opera healing techniques!

Colin accuses her of staying in Genoa City to drive him nuts and she doesn't exactly deny it.


SCENE 2:
Fenmore's Boutique.

Dummy Cane decides to beg his not-mom Jill to forgive him for all his lies. She unloads on him with both emotional barrels blazing. Amazingly, Cane seems unable to wrap what little brains he has around the idea that he's been a colossal prick. He vows to protect Jill from his dangerous father Colin, basically promising to stalk the hell out of her.

She's less than enthused.


SCENE 3:
The bridge in Plywood Forest.

A hot, sweaty young couple grunting and smiling and panting - sounds pretty sexy, right? Well, that would be interesting, and this is a typical episode of Y&R, so its just Lily and her ex-hubby Daniel taking a break from a brisk jog. Sorry. Lots of back-and-forth blah-blah-blah, Daniel asks Lily if she's considered a divorce from dummy Cane. Apparently spending time with him has rubbed some of the dummy off on her because despite basically driving her bats on purpose, she doesn't seem to have thought about splitting up with him. Whoops! Minor oversight!

Oh, Lily. Is there no mistake you're not completely capable of making?


SCENE 4:
Crimson Lights.

Loose-skinned Katherine and her new daughter-in-law, high-strung Ashley, patch things up after their squabble over Tucker. Ashley just basically rolls over and I'm surprised she didn't thank Katherine for accusing her of trying to murder Tucker, getting a restraining order against her, and oh yeah! Firing her hard-working ass from Jabot Cosmetics! What a sweet old lady that Katherine can be.

Way to stand up for yourself, Ash!

Katherine hobbles away as Nick the d*ck arrives, carrying his way-too-huge-to-be-carried daughter Faith in his arms. The same Faith that Ashley thought was hers before the child was torn from her arms. Just a-flauntin' Ashley's heartache in front of her. Christ, what a d*ck Nick is. Ashley responds by apologizing for not helping Nick raise Faith. What the what? Talk about astounding medicine: not only can they restore a crumpled old geezer to perfect health in mere days, they can also perform a spinectomy and have a formerly iron-willed woman thank the sh*tbags around her for door-matting her.

Way to stand up for yourself, Ash!


SCENE 5:
Adam's hotel suite.

Adam tells not-dead Sharon's son Noah that he just might have found the video that will clear not-dead Sharon's not-very-good-to-begin-with name.

Noah totally gets his hopes up, which should make it hilarious when the video turns out to be an episode of Danger Mouse.


SCENE 6:
Sam's farmhouse.

Lots o' smooching between country vet Sam and not-dead Sharon. He invites her to the local redneck yee-haw shingdig, to be held in a barn usually filled to the rafters with pooping livestock.

For some reason, urbane sophisticate Sharon balks at the idea. Huh! Can't for the life of me figure out why.


SCENE 7:
Crimson Lights.

Nick the d*ck tells Ashley she can be a bigger part of Faith's life. Spineless Ashley jumps at the chance to be set up and then have her dreams re-crushed, because let's face it, Nick is a total d*ck.

SCENE 8:
Sam's farmhouse.

Not-dead Sharon fishes for excuses not to go a-dancin' and a-pig-callin' out at Animal Sh*t Barn. No dress! She says. Sam produces a dress for her that he bought that very day. Shallow tramp that she is, not-dead Sharon is almost convinced to go by the pretty pretty garment, but ultimately shoots her warm-hearted benefactor Sam down.

Way to make friends, bitch.


SCENE 9:
Adam's hotel suite.

Impressed that Adam is trying so hard to clear his mom's name, Noah lets slip that a very private group of family members will be dumping not-Sharon's ashes off the bridge in Plywood forest.


SCENE 10:
Crimson Lights Patio.

Wrinkly Katherine is wandering around trying to figure out where the hell she is when old bastard Colin enters. They go at it, she threatening to sic her rich buddies on him, and he basically not giving a big fat f*ck. Advantage: Colin.


SCENE 11:
Fenmore's Boutique.

Dummy Cane's still trying to convince Jill he's not a useless schmuck, making no headway in the process. His mom Genevieve enters, and she just may be the source of Cane's dummy gene because she too tries to bond with Jill, who strongly hints she'd like to toss Genevieve off a balcony somewhere.


SCENE 12:
The bridge in Plywood Forest.

Lily's had the entire f*cking episode to decide whether or not she's divorcing Cane. Her decision? Not to decide. Idiot.


SCENE 13:
Sam's farmhouse.

Forlorn Sam's off to help set up Animal Sh*t Barn for the hoe down, leaving behind a very down ho. Ha! See what I did there? "Hoe down, down ho"? Christ, I'm a f*cking genius over here. GENIUS!


SCENE 14:
Crimson Lights.

Noah joins his father Nick, sister Faith, and not-dead Sharon's wheelchaired bitch of a mother, Hell on Wheels. Lotsa crummy reminiscing and they set off for Plywood Forest to dump the ashes. Adam skulks along in the background.


SCENE 15:
Crimson Lights Patio.

Jill arrives to take over Katherine's brow-beating of Colin. It must be "Squawky Harridan Day" and nobody told me.


SCENE 16:
Fenmore's Boutique.

Dummy Cane's bitching his mom out, she's slick-talking him into a mental corner like she's done a thousand times before, he's falling for it, and we can't cut away fast enough.


SCENE 17:
The bridge in Plywood Forest.

Daniel and Lily decide the best thing to do after so much healthy exercise is to poison their bodies with alcohol. They race away, clomping loudly off the plywood set.


SCENE 18:
Animal Sh*t Barn.

The local riff-raff set up for the hoe-down. Some schmuck asks Sam where his date is, leaving him ten kinds of embarrassed. Nosy fucking rednecks.


SCENE 19:
Sam's barnhouse.

Neighbor girl Piper shows up and talks not-dead Sharon into walking her to Animal Sh*t Barn for the festivities.


SCENE 20:
The bridge in Plywood Forest.

Nick, Noah, Faith and Rolling Thunder prattle on while Adam watches from the underbrush. Poor Noah's stuck carrying gigantic 'baby' Faith, who's like half Noah's height. Nick dumps not-Sharon's ashes into the stream which I'm sure little kids swim in and fishermen catch dinner from and Christ almighty Nick is just such a d*ck.


SCENE 21:
Animal Sh*t Barn.

Some woman arrives late because she was carjacked last night. Hey wait - not-dead Sharon was carjacked too! I'm sure the two storylines will never intersect!


SCENE 22:
Sam's barnhouse.

Neighbor girl Piper shows up to turn the guilt screws on not-dead Sharon until she relents and agrees to go to the filthy animal sh*ithouse bumpkin shindig thing.


SCENE 23:
Fenmore's Boutique.

Ancient Katherine has wobbled her way over to Fenmore's just in time to go toe-to-toe with vengeful Genevieve. Don't bother popping popcorn for this one though. Set your alarm, maybe...


SCENE 24:
Crimson Lights Patio.

Jill demands Colin stop giving her pretty things and treating her so nicely. It's a down economy, Jill: shut the f*ck up and hock that sh*t. Colin is where dummy Cane must get his stalker gene because he promises Jill he'll continue her hellish torment by giving her lovely items and undeserved compliments. This infuriates her.


SCENE 25:
Jimmy's Bar.

Dummy Cane drops some names and gets a bartending gig at the dive he once owned. He follows the staff guy into the back to do the paperwork. And maybe mind-f*ck him into thinking he's really a ghost.


SCENE 26:
Fenmore's Boutique.

Katherine insults Genevieve, whose dummy gene causes her to respond to the verbal abuse by graciously inviting Katherine over to her house. Is that an Australian thing?


SCENE 27:
Crimson Lights Patio.

Jill asks Colin the same thing viewers ask Y&R writers: why won't you just let this relationship go and move on? She doesn't get a good answer, either.


SCENE 28:
Jimmy's Bar.

Enter giggling Daniel and Lily, of course, now that dummy Cane is around. The two joggers lock lips just as Cane, of course, walks into the room, of course, to start his job. Awkward!


SCENE 29:
Crimson Lights.

Noah and his d*ck father Nick sit yammering about not-dead Sharon. Nothing to see here, folks, just move along.


SCENE 30:
The bridge in Plywood Forest.

Lonely Adam renews his vow to clear not-dead Sharon's sullied reputation. Yeah, we get it, stupid show. Vow, clear, reputation.


SCENE 31:
Animal Sh*t Barn.

Drop-dead gorgeous not-dead Sharon makes her entrance, putting some local fat asses to shame. Way to make friends, bitch.