Episode: July 29 2011

GAC Bar.
Adam fills the hole where his soul is supposed to be with expensive liquor when Michael - picking up an order - joins him to let him know shit's just gonna get worse and worse for Adam. Would be great if you had someone in your corner right about now, eh, you death-faking gas-lighter? Now it's nobody but your dear friends, Jim Beam and Bud Weiser. Drink up, you three!

Adam's one-man pity party.

Newman Boardroom.
Abby and Victoria take turns seeing who's dumbest. Why does this always come out a tie? They don't know.

Diane's Suite.
Even though the plan to frame Victor for Diane's (faked) death fell apart, Diane's still working hard to give Victor every reason to snap her neck. He smashes the video of Abby confessing, but Diane's got copies. He starts to menace her and she screams like a siren. As confused as the rest of us, Victor leaves and calls Ashley's voicemail to warn her about Diane's threat to Abby. There's a maid service cart nearby - did Diane scream bloody murder so one of the cleaning poors would overhear ... and maybe testify about at a later date?

Jack's House.
Jack's voicemailing Katherine about how he set Tucker up to look like an idiot on The Talk. Doesn't just appearing on that show make you look like an idiot?

Tucker's Hearing.
Katherine's here to rip apart her son Tucker's reputation - on the record and for a sitting judge, no less. She's got the maternal instincts of brick. She shows everyone the papers Tucker signed earlier with his fucked-up brain, papers which he thought were a bill for Indian food and a signed picture of Woody Allen in a grass skirt. The judge is impressed by how generous Tucker's imaginary tip for his imaginary waiter was; nonetheless, his honor rules Tucker's brain is, indeed, fucked.

Newman Boardroom.
Disheveled Adam shambles in on Victoria and Abby, looking for Victor so he can use his seat on the board to make everyone's life sad. Victor's not there and the gals aren't really helpful. Adam leaves a message for Victor, but Victor arrives with a message of his own: Adam's seat on the board has been converted into a toilet, down which both his credibility and his right to be on the board have been flushed.

Diane's Suite.
She's fondling the memory card with Abby's confession on it when there's a knock on the door. She slips the card between her boobs and answers to find the police there. She's called them to say that Victor threatened to pop her head off her neck like a champagne cork. She has a photo of Victor and Nikki fucking and she should be thrown in jail just for not burning it immediately.

Tucker's Hearing.
Tucker begs the judge to reconsider but, no, Tucker, that's not how things work. Tucker hates Katherine, Katherine hates Tucker, Ashley hates Katherine, and Katherine hates Ashley. So at least they're thorough. Katherine calls Jack to tell him the good news about her fucking her son's life up.

Diane's Suite.
Someone's got a sick sense of humor, because they show an extended close up of the Nikki/Victor fuck photo. Thank God it's upside down and hard to make out their ancient wrinkled bodies intertwined, but still. Bullet barely dodged. Anyway, Diane's alone now, on the phone to some gossip website. She wants to sell them a story...

I turned it right side up so you could make it out better. You're welcome.

Newman Boardroom.
Adam's fucked because he's embarrassed the company, says Victor, the guy who has embarrassed the company a dozen times before breakfast. Victor offers to have security throw Adam's ass out until the cops show up to arrest Victor for domestic abuse. Who's embarrassing the company, Grandpa Smugness?

Tucker's "pad".
Tucker's pissed about losing his case and Ashley comforts him. Blah blah bullies broke his favorite bike blah blah moving on.

Jack's House.
Katherine lies that she took no pleasure ruining Tucker. C'mon, ya old hag. She's not done destroying his life: she wants his marriage to Ashley annulled due to Tucker's fucked up brain. Ashley's brother Jack's not quite on board with that madness.

"Let me get back to you on that..."

Jail Meeting Room.
Michael's fending off the accusations against Victor. Then Victor opens his mustached meat flaps and gives the cops more reason to suspect him. Did you throw a camera at Diane? They ask. Nope, just hurled it violently into a fireplace, thus establishing myself as an impulsive hothead, Victor smugly replies. Good move, Pops.

Diane's Suite.
Another knock at the door, another person to rip into Diane. Ho hum. Oh look! It's Victoria this time! Hi Victoria! It's her first time to the Chamber of Horrors, let's make her feel at home. She's pissed about Diane suing Nikki for humping Victor when Diane was still married to him.

Jack's House.
Katherine still wants to destroy a loving relationship because, cunt. Jack's more ambivalent.

Cunty Cunterson.

Jail Meeting Room.
Michael and Victor are left alone to suss out the details. Victor tells Michael about the damning Abby confession tape Diane has. Victor says he's never met anyone who was so interested in cold, hard cash. All that power and money, and he doesn't own a single mirror? He vows revenge.

Diane's Suite.
Hot mess Victoria storms in to bitch at Diane. Diane points out that Victoria's mother is a big fat whore. Victoria vows revenge. Diane vows revenge against Victoria's revenge. It's like politics in the Middle East writ very, very small.

Tucker's "pad".
Ashley and Tucker cuddle on the couch blah blah Abby busts in with news about Diane.

Adam's Suite.
Adam tells lovely failure lawyer Leslie that Diane's a big fat liar and a poopy head.

Tucker's "pad".
From peace to war in a nanosecond. Ashley storms around cursing Diane's name. Thanks for stopping by, Blabby!

Only known photo of Blabby with her mouth shut.

Crimson Lights.
Marriage killer Katherine is on the phone finding out how to ruin Tucker's nuptial bliss. Cunt.

Jail Meeting Room.
Victor can't believe this. Just because he's a violent, cheating egomaniac, why on Earth would the police think he would be capable of spouse abuse? Madness!

Jack's House.
Diane arrives sans Kyle. Jack wants to know where his son is. Diane tells him she sent Kyle away to boarding school. Jack demands she return Kyle to Genoa City and she says oh, but there's so many strings attached...

Adam's Suite.
Leslie advises Adam to close down his hedge fund. That would be taking the high road, though, and Adam's never been there before and doesn't know where to find it. Leslie leaves Adam to vow revenge against Diane's vow of revenge against him when he was vowing revenge against Sharon. Or something. I need a fucking "vow of revenge" flow chart. Anyway, Adam's already left.

Genoa Athletic Club.
Fresh-out-of-jail-on-bail Victor goes to confront Diane, but is held back by Michael. Victor calls Ashley about the confession tape Diane has. Drama!

Crimson Lights.
Victoria sees a laptop with this on it:

There's that picture again!

Jack's House.
Diane wants money and support from Jack. He thinks she's a loon. She proves him right by strippin' nekkid. A figure rustles/furiously masturbates in the bushes outside...